Influenster RoseBox Review !!

In a few posts prior I sad I was trying new things and one was signing up on this site to try new products! I LOVE IT! After you get the box you promote what you think of the products and earn more awesome prizes! Hello Win Win!

SO Here are my product reviews :

BelVita: Crunchy breakfast cookies / biscuits....YUM! Very good in flavor, didn't keep me full for too long but I dipped them in Peanut butter and had them with my coffee and so so good! You can buy them at Walgreens and Target for less then 4 bucks!

Rimmel Retro Glam Mascara:  Ok I have used the same brand mascara since I learned to put on make up it is the same brand my mom uses and I love it. SO I was already bias about trying this but I actually really liked it! I am still unsure if I will buy another brand but I will def use this one to death for now, it gives great volume and coverage, made me look like I had fake eye lashes on!

Kiss Gradation Nail polish set: SUPER EASY to get professional results. I NEVER paint my nails and this was so crazy easy I felt dumb for never trying to make my nails looks nice before. Only downfall I had with this product was the color set they sent me was Gold Not a fan of the color but I would def try in another color!

Lindt Lindor Truffles: Yea as soon as I opened this box I popped that sucker in my mouth....YUM!!!!!! I have nothing else to say.

Dr.Scholls Cozy Cushion Insoles: OMG Theses are heaven!!! thick, fluffy, cushiony, squishy..... PURE heaven!  My boots are rough after an hour or more of walking or standing and I normally have to squeeze in atleast 2 pairs of socks for added cushion but I through these insoles in my boots and BAM I walked all around the mall with a friend who literally tries on everything.....4 hours later....My feet felt awesome, no pain, no muggy feeling, perfect!

I am happy to be trying these products and hope to try more! If you are interested in trying this website I will post the badge again below.

Streams of sunlight between clouds

I have recently....OK longer then recently been faced with numerous storms. Storms that ride hard and test the structural integrity of your soul. I have always been my own captain , my own map and when things went bad I had to figure them out on my own. Of course I would always ask my moms advice but now I have to find it in my heart what I think her answer or advice would be.

I am so lucky to have an umbrella , bomb shelter, bullet proof vest.....husband. I was recently faced with a storm and I think Eric was more scared of facing then I was but it came after only me. My mom must have been with me when it hit because I stayed perfectly calm......My heart kept perfect beat, my breath was even, My face didn't get hot and red, I just simply walked away from it. Eric on the other hand faced it for me. He stood up to the storm and let it know that he wouldn't let it hurt me.

It is so interesting how the things hell bent on breaking two people apart are the exact things that build a stronger relationship. I am so lucky to have such an amazing person in my life, I have never had someone stand up for me like that before. Aside from my mom. I feel so happy and proud.

Less is more

So I haven't been posting as often as I was. I am trying to figure out what the healthiest things are for me from people, decisions, everything! I haven't had contact with my sister or my dad in a long time and I am actually feeling stronger and happier. My dad e-mailed me yesterday and invited me to "their" Thanksgiving and said "lets move forward , no past" my response was "you know me I know to resolve problems not pretend they didn't happen" which I get a response of "whats the problem" back. As much as I wanted to flip the fuck out on him , I didn't respond. If he chooses to live with no past then he is pretending that his choices were all correct and he has nothing to learn from experiences. You have to look at every experience as a learning experience. He has always played dumb and denied things have happened and yet has no regard for the scars he has left on other peoples lives. To which I will not entertain his delusion, it wasn't healthy before and it's not healthy now.

I am not afraid to speak up and tell people how I feel or tell them if they are hurting me or someone I love. People react either understanding or deny deny deny and get defensive because hearing that they did or are doing something wrong isn't comfortable for them, its all pride & ego. If you set that aside and put yourself in the persons shoes and think "OK, I understand how you would / could feel that way" you choose to make life a learning process. My mom always told me how strong she thought I was because I would speak up for myself. She said she wished she had that strength, it would make her life a lot easier. I don't speak up to hurt people I speak up to get the pain in my stomach out.

New Things!

I have been trying to be more involved in new things one of which is Influenster.com  click my badge below to find new ways to try new products for free and earn badges for even more free stuff!

Cried for a year

SO the day came and it sucked as bad as I thought it would. I woke up early trying to start a positive spin on it all, got a quick work out in and Eric & I headed to a coastal clean up event , one of my moms favorite places was the beach so we did it for her. Lots of trash and then Eric got called into work.....promised it would only take 3 hours......6 hours later.......I was pissed! I spent the first 3 hours trying to stay busy by laundry and cooking and cleaning. The last three hours laying in bed crying and on and off napping. Eric came home took me to dinner and tried to call me down.

I miss my mom, talked to her a lot and I feel bad she sees me crying so much. I feel like if I had gone to see her the day before I could have saved her. I also of course thought about my shitty family and how upset I am with them. And the realization that they really don't care that they hurt me because they don't even try to say shit to me.

I am not sure when this pain will get better but I am trying to make a positive out of her memory.

It's coming

The year anniversary since my world fell apart. I keep thinking it will all end and be OK that day but I know it wont. I asked Eric when he thought I would stop crying everyday and he said "never" and I asked why he said that and he responded "you are your mom were so close and I know how much she means to you, I don't think she will be out of your mind for a minute of the rest of your life" It makes me sad to think I will be sad forever. But I also know I am not as emotional as I was which is nice to be able to pseudo function and not worry about bursting into tears on the floor out of no where.

I know like every month that day comes....I relive it in my head and heart. The scenes come flooding back and I feel like I can't breathe. I can't believe it's been almost a year.....when the pain is still so fresh. I still get caught off guard remembering the funeral is over.

I have never been someone to hold onto

I miss her everyday. I cry everyday. I get so upset thinking how shitty people close to her were to her. Certain chords in songs makes me burst into tears. Yesterday I was making scrambled eggs for breakfast and it flashed to me how she would always say "That smells so good" and I will make extra for her even though she would always say she didn't want any she would eat it. I miss her all the time.

People have told me I push them away, I am easy to cut people off. But I could never turn my back on my mom. Even when she was making me so mad I still would never let go of her. I wonder if my sister would have done the same even half the time if it would have made a difference. I think it would have. She deserved so much better.

Her Birthday

She would have been 61 years young on August 18th. We woke up to Eric doing is normal Sunday donut run. I posted on my social media sites about the project Eric & I did for her Birthday. Through dosomething.org we hand made 61 Birthday cards for Youth living in homeless shelters and donated them in my moms name. All of the cards have KSBF on the back. Eric brought back her favorite donuts and we sang Happy Birthday to her. I was determined to celebrate her and make her have a good birthday, we ran some errands and came back home to make some dinner. Of course walking in the door and actually sitting still for a minute I broke down...remembering her last birthday and how happy she was and going from store to store looking for Happy Birthday candles for her cake. After dinner we went to ESPN zone at Downtown Disney where they have the most decadent Carrot Cake which is my moms most favorite cake. We asked them to put a lit candle in it for us and we blew it out together for her.

I hope she had the best birthday, and had fun watching us celebrate her. I miss her so so much and I got a lot of very nice feedback on our project. My dad "liked" my post only after my sisters, husbands mom commented on how nice it was. He is so fake and lame, even if I do it alone I will show my mom how loved she is and will live on forever through the good done in her name. She deserves only the best because she is the best. Happy Birthday Mommy! I love you so much! It's all for you!

Making friends as an adult.

Why isn't it as easy as it was when we were younger? WTF we are so much more mature you would think it would be much easier to connect. It used to be all you had to have in common was what you did at recess or showing up to school and having the same shoes on was like "oh we are friends" and now it's like "Bitch, I look better in these, how dare you show up in them!" everything is such a competition now. Who has more money, who can shop harder, who parties or travels more. Its all shallow bullshit that I can not connect with. I don't care what you bought or how many of it you bought, I don't care how much money you spend. I don't. I am cheap, I shop of thrift stores, I hoard glass jars for the "just in case" I find a purpose for them. I wear my clothes until I literally can't anymore. I still wear clothes from high school, I sew the holes in my socks, I make my own soap. Not because I can't afford new but because I don't want to spend my money on that shit! Why spend money when I can do it myself or fix it myself? People see things as so disposable, that is why our land is covered in trash.

I feel like I need to find some hippies or something to be friends with. People who are materialistic consumers. I have NO debt. NONE! how many people can say that? probably NONE! ok vent session over.

Pushing.

Pushing myself past my anxiety and depression doesn't always work and sometimes backfires but I think I am making progress. The last couple weeks I had a meeting with a new intern for my company, whom I met at a show randomly started chatting (so not like me). I had lunch with Eric's mom alone and she took me to Greek food which I didn't think I liked. I tried new food (again I am a wuss). I went to Eric's show this weekend and met a married couple there who were hilarious and I ended up standing and chatting with them for about 2 hours! I have been e-mailing my Aunt more and spending more time trying to get to know people that are in my life.

I have noticed sometimes the more I push the more emotional I get later. Talking with Eric's mom really felt good and I felt like someone wanted to spend time with me. Eric and I have been doing well, he has been playing a lot of shows I am trying to be supportive, I get lonely but I am trying to get out more.

I haven't been sleeping very well maybe from the nerves of all the action outside my norm or maybe because my diet has been crap lately. Either way I am pushing.

Obsessed with punishment

Everyday I think of how I could have done things differently to make my mom happier or possibly live longer, I get mad at myself for not being better. I look in the mirror and think of how ugly I think I am and how my teeth aren't straight and my skin is so fair, the way my skin folds when I smile. I look at myself and think "you're gross" and "I need to get my teeth fixed, my skin fixed, my face fixed, my hair fixed" I am so hard on myself and I think people around me have to suffer being around me.

Eric says I am the most beautiful woman he has ever seen and I think "yea right...are you blind?" when people compliment me I automatically think "oh they are just being nice". I feel so beaten down on so many levels that I might as well kick myself while I am down I guess. If I am not obsessed with one flaw it is another and I go back and forth on them, there is never a time of peace. I am always looking at myself as yuck and I need to be fixed.

Why am I so obsessed with what I think is wrong with me? If I changed every little thing would the obsession stop? Or would I keep finding thing after thing that is a tiny flaw in my eyes. Until what? Finding inner happiness....that is harder to do then anything.

People don't change?

Meeting up with someone who you haven't seen in a long time and you are excited to catch up and see how they have grown to hear and see their old selfish materialistic self still prevails. Very depressing, and you have to think, is it time to move on from this person?

You try to be honest and vulnerable to show them its OK and they mock you and make comments that degrade what you are or have been through, as though you have shown weakness.

Having a quite night re-evaluating the people I have allowed and maybe the ones that you grow away from it is best not to re-connect, like a break up with a partner. It happened for a reason, not to make the same mistake twice.

We had lunch together

I woke up this morning remembering a dream I had of my mom and I meeting up for lunch together at what seemed like a cement area with water and lots of places to sit on benches and tables. She brought Mexican food for us and told me that she bought more if I was still hungry after she just hadn't pick it up yet. I know we talked but I can't for the life of me remember what we talked about. I do remember she looks so beautiful, happy and healthy. Which made me really happy to see her like that.

Made me remember how at my first job she would bring me peanut butter & jelly fold over sandwich and a cup of fruit everyday. We would eat lunch together, I miss her so much. I have been breaking down a lot lately. I know she is listening to me and I know she sees me, I would trade everything to see her too.

Forcing Healthy?

People think "Oh my gosh we have to move on now, hurry hurry!" I am at the point where I am working toward happy and less in the deep in, so to speak. But I can tell when I am pushing myself too hard. On days when I do more and push more the next day the tears are 10x worse. It all has to be in moderation. I am looking into traveling and planning trips, which feels wrong and scary but I know that is how my mom always felt. She was always so scared to spend money mostly because she knew my dad had put them in huge financial debt and would buy things on a whim and she would have to "save him" so she was always on edge of his next move and never got to find or even dream of what would make her happy. I know I need a fresh perspective, a new environment even if it is temporary.

I am realizing in a healthy way what is healthy and who is healthy in my life. When things upset me or make me tense or anxious I can identify it and try to work through it or see that I need to rid myself of that thing or person. They say if people want to be in your life they will make the effort to be there, you wont have to wonder. I am trying to be more patient with people and know when not to put in my own effort.

I am doing more nice things for people "random acts of kindness" because I want to and it makes me feel good. I buy my neighbors little gifts (books, cards, candy). I send friends who have kids little care packages of toys and activity books. Still donating 10 trees for every month that goes buy in my moms name. My mom was always afraid to focus on herself and had a lot of guilt. She was afraid to give to people for free to when she would need something. But when I helped her give she was so proud of herself and so happy. I hope she can see everything I am giving back is in her name and for her, she is amazing and I hope she knows she will make the world a better place, even from heaven.

People can say I should be less sad or moved on or anything they want. But I am doing what is right for me and I am not forcing anything. Baby steps to find what works.

Waking up crying

Waking up crying not like just a tear or two but like immense amounts of pain crying. I saw my mom in my dream and she was laying on her bed at the house and I was sitting on the bed cross legs playing with her hair. She looked at me and say "I won't be here long" I responded with "Be here long?" and she said "I wont be here long without you" I told her that Eric says she will always be with me and she said "I will" and I started to tear up and I said "Like right next to me?" and she said "I will" and then of course I started sobbing and woke myself up and was so upset I feel like when I start crying when she talks to me in my dreams I scare her away from wanting to do it again and I had so many more things I wanted to ask her and I fucking ruined it by crying and waking myself up.......

Week of Nerves

So Sunday night I went to an Al-anon meeting, I have read numerous books about being an adult child of an alcoholic family but I know going to a meeting was going to be the next step in calming my tornado inside. It was beyond nerve wracking and I cried just listening to other people share. I shared a bit about what I am going through and it felt kind of good.

I learned out of the blue that my dad sold the house and told me I needed to come clear out things and I know I have everything I wanted from my mom and my own stuff and I had multiple panic attacks thinking about going there, seeing the house destroyed, seeing my dads GF and my sister (who is prego and being an emotional psycho bitch) and Eric came home and saw me on the floor hyperventilating and put his foot down and said "you aren't going, you don't owe them anything, your dad just wants you to help him clear out his mess" It was hard to not go but I didn't, I wrote them an e-mail saying I couldn't make it and my dad wrote back saying "I wish you had more to say" and I wrote a long emotional but nice e-mail back and got new response.....NICE! I have to separate myself from the things and people that aren't helping me stay healthy. I can't do it.

I decided I need a change, I booked an appointment at a salon in Seal beach that had good Yelp reviews and got my hair chopped off, I wanted it even shorter but Eric said to give to two weeks and see if I like it and later I can get it cut shorter if I want. I also drove to Murrieta to see my friend Vanessa and had some awesome laughs and it was scary and stressful to drive all that way but I am glad I did.

I have been able to wake up happy 3 days this week. that's a record! I feel stronger like I can push through my nerves and improve. Its exhausting, I literally pass out from the tension and nerves once the hurdle is over but it is what I have to do I guess. Keep pushing...

Empty

It's interesting how the people that don't know what I am feeling have the nerve to say that because I am sad that there is something wrong with me or I need help. Sadness when faced with loss is natural. let me repeat that SADNESS WHEN FACED WITH LOSS IS NATURAL. Do you think it helps to add to someones pain by saying there is something wrong with them? Is there a published scientific guideline of how long sadness is supposed to last? and then if it goes a minute over the socially accepted allotted amount of time they are fucked up and everyone needs to run the opposite direction.

I have seen parts of people who I thought were good during all of this that are so disgusting it is embarrassing to me that I ever considered them even an ounce of good. This is what is wrong with the world, people don't go out there way to help each other, or show love & support, they say it, don't mean it and are more so clearly the selfish asshole they always were.

I am doing what is best for me and taking space and I need to learn to do that without feeling bullied into being what people think I should be or feeling guilt for focusing on myself. I feel like there is an empty hole in my heart that is a vortex and it's sucking every piece of life I have into it. I am the only one who can stop it.

0 to 60 in 3 seconds flat

I am so easily frustrated, little things will make my heart beat faster and I want to flip the fuck out. I have seen explosions of anger I never have done before. I break things when I am mad I want to burn it all down, because who cares really? I want to tell people how fucking rude and selfish and ignorant they are. The other day Eric and I were in a crowded parking lot and this lady and her husband and her daughter (who was dressed like a slut and had more makeup on than a clown and was like 10 yrs old) were blocking the lane stopped and getting out so we went around and a spot opened up down the lane and the lady started screaming that we cut in front of them and that spot should be theirs.....OK so it took ALL my strength not to get out of the car and literally rip her to shreds, I was already anxious from the traffic but this bitch is gonna cause chaos? I told Eric to let them have the spot and we will find another and as we drove by I said out the window to her "No need to be rude" when I really wanted to say "FUCKING BITCH!"

I try to always do Random Acts of Kindness, like bring extra pennies to a wishing well and give them to people, send care packages to victim of the tornadoes, donate to charities, pay for someones meal, but people who are assholes make me not want to do these things. I know I shouldn't let shitty people ruin the world, I am just having a hard time staying positive.

I swear I have gone through the stages of grieving about 10 times over ....and its an on going cycle.

Still not there

Not stable, some days I feel good. Some days I feel lost. I want to find the silver lining, the motivation behind all of this but I haven't yet or I don't have the strength to hold on to it yet. I know I need to stop putting hopes into people. People make promises to be there and they are selfish. It is easy to be selfish and I can't wait until these people know this pain. You'll come apologize to me for the crappy bullshit they have added to my pain.

Eric made my birthday very nice, reservations as one of our favorite restaurants, got me flowers, a HUGE 3 layer red velvet cake, card and bought me sunglasses. He is awesome, I would 100% be dead if I didn't have him through this.

I have learned I need to do for others because I want to and not to expect them to even thank me back, but give for myself. People are sad, egotistical and inconsiderate and it may kill me but I am not going to become that, I am giving and thoughtful and considerate ...qualities I got from my mom and I am not going to let selfish people stop me from letting my mom shine through me.

Hurdles

Every Holiday is a hurdle I dread it and when its over I get very little satisfaction that it is done and I start to dwell and essentially dread the next hurdle in the distance. Granted I did this prior to my mom passing because of my anxiety but more so now, it is debilitating. Yesterday was Mothers Day so of course I woke up crying, crying multiple times through out the morning. My mom favorite animal is an elephant so I sponsored / adopted an elephant in her name.

Eric mom really wanted us to go to Brunch at his step-dads family county club. I didn't want to go I had multiple break downs just trying to do my hair. I told myself to do what my mom taught me which was when I used to not feel good for school she would tell me "OK well just try to get ready and see if you feel better and if you don't when its time to leave you can go back to bed" so I tried to get ready for this brunch. I made it out the door we were late and I was freakishly nervous and on the verge of tears. His "step family" all know what happened and were all very happy and supportive to see me. It went pretty well.

Now that it is over of course today my first stressful thought is "Now to get through my birthday" which will be harder I think, my mom always did the most sweet and thoughtful things even when she wasn't near by she would call me and sing or send me very sweet heartfelt cards. I would like to disappear on the day, all day. I don't want to answer my phone, or plan anything. I just wish she was here. Once this hurdle is over I am either going to be uber depressed  or feel a little relieved. Oh what torture is still to come....

Where am I?

I feel like I am in that annoying movie Groundhogs Days. Its another time frame to suffer through, another sunrise and set of ups, downs and pain. I get spurts of motivations thinking "OK I am going to get through this" that's about 8% of the time, the other 92% is "Fuck, this sucks, why can't I die too?" I keep trying to change my surroundings from cleaning to moving shit around, to buying weird new clothes I would never normally buy, just trying to give myself a new perspective on my life. I keep telling Eric I want to get the fuck out of the house and go away for a while and he doesn't get it.....7 months later we still haven't gone anywhere and I'm to the point of breaking things because I can't take it anymore.

Have you ever been in a pool or hot tub and floated face down and just relaxed? Its a very calming feeling it feels so good you could drown but then of course the since of urgency creeps in telling you to turn over and take a breath, I feel like I could drown any second. I have no motivation to take a breath.

Steps...even baby steps are progress?

SO yea yesterday was TOUGH I cried a lot, spent a good portion of time just talking to my mom and telling her how sorry and guilty I feel for not being there. UGHH! Then! I proceed to make home made body wash from a Pinterest recipe I found online and I have a large Pyrex measuring cup my mom gave my for Christmas a few years ago. When I was done I washed it by hand and put it on the counter to dry somewhat leaning so all the water would drip out. A few hours later I hear the BIGGEST crash.....yep it fell off the counter onto the tile floor and SHATTERED. My whole body even my fingers got very stiff and tight and I just stood there. I immediately called Eric and told him what happened and was SOBBING I felt like I let her down again, like I lost a piece of her with this measuring cup. I am crying just freaking typing about it. Eric told me just to sweep it all in a pile and he will clean it up when he got home, of course I am too OCD for that so I swept it all into a pile and proceeded to pick up all the pieces and put them into a box to keep. I then vacuumed the bits of shards and mopped the floor after that. That was really tough, I know the stupid measuring cup isn't her I just feel so guilty.

Then today I changed my profile picture on FB, I have had a picture of my mom and I for over 7 months and I know I need to make progress, of course I feel horribly guilty for putting a new picture up of just me. I didn't take the old one off my profile only made a new one my "main" picture. I don't want my mom to think I am forgetting about her or not care about her. I know I had to change the pic eventually and it doesn't mean I love her , respect her or miss her ANY less. But yet I still feel guilty. Why is every step a mountain? and why is it even when I make them or progress I still feel like I am sitting at the bottom looking up?

There is Unhappiness in me.

So the 7 month day has come and gone of course I cried like a bitch. Eric was in the studio all day so it was worse then normal with nothing to distract me I cleaned the entire house, made soup from scratch and tried to keep myself occupied but of course didn't work. Scrubbing the tub I burst into tears, vacuuming near the picture I have of her on the wall made me cry, using the Crock pot she game me to make the soup, etc etc etc etc. I donated 10 more trees in her name I hope that makes her happy. She used to ask me why I would save the yogurt tops (pink ones for breast cancer) and I would tell her all the ones you send in helps raise money for cancer and she would get the biggest smile and say "That's my girl". She would get all excited to tell me when she went to the store and when they ask you as you check out if you would like to donate to some cause , she would (it was programmed in her to say no) and she would be so proud of herself to tell me she did. Once they had you write your name on a heart and hung it around the store and she took me back and we looked all around the store for the heart she donated (we didn't find it) but she was so proud of herself, it was like overcoming an obstacle inside herself. So I want to keep donating for her because even though she didn't all the time she wanted to.

So in this book I bought it says not to identify yourself and who you are with your feelings or ego. So when you are sad or unhappy do not say "I am sad" or "I am unhappy" say there is unhappiness in me, it does not define who you are as a person. So I am trying to keep in mind even though I feel as though this pain has swallowed me whole and has become the future of my existence I need to remind myself it is not who I am. My mom made me and she did everything she could to make sure I wasn't unhappy and her dieing shouldn't invalidate all the work she did. I cry as I type that because I know that but it also doesn't change the pain and emptiness in my heart. I want to be better and happier and I plan to eventually but I know its a long road and there is no just going on with your life or going back to normal. Her being gone is a huge earthquake and shattered my world, now I have to rebuild and it can't be the same. FUCK!

Knowing the pain still coming...

I know when the 21st rolls around every month and I dread it....I have been donating to a charity in her name every month on the day mostly planting trees in her name. My birthday is coming which I wish I could just be dead for that day along with Mother's Day. I am sick of seeing things to by Moms, it makes me mad more then sad.

On my birthday every year she would sing Happy Birthday to me and cook me my favorite dinner it was always either Shephard's pie or Stir Fry. She would always make a cake even though she knew I was always watching my weight and wouldn't eat much of it. If I wasn't home on the day she would call and not even say hello just start singing "Happy Birthday to you.." when I picked up. Celebrating a day you were born but then person who made you and gave birth to you isn't here makes it seem stupid. She always got me the mushiest cards. I just want her....

I have been listening to her voice mail on my phone a lot. I still don't understand that she is never coming back, her voice sounds so happy and sweet. I listen to it and ball my eyes out and talk to her and say "I love you mom" It's fucking hard to deal with.

I have been reading the book "A New Earth" and its good but I am a wanderer when I read I still think of other things so I feel like I am not getting all I can out of it. I have been re-reading pages so make sure I understood them and am trying to make time daily to read it and learn.

I feel over whelmed with a lot of things and stressed out. I wish my mom would tell me in my dreams that she isn't mad at me so maybe I can find some peace inside myself. I know I have to find my own peace and no one can give it to me I just wish she would talk to me.

Emotions

On my quest for normalcy I still can't control my emotions. I haven't been talking on the phone lately which has helped my stress level stay lower then normal. Eric took me on a nice hike/ walk at the Anaheim Hills Nature Center on Saturday it was so gorgeous. We used to go on hikes all the time before we bought our place so it felt really good to be back in nature and just talk with Eric. I took a ton of pictures which is my new thing, I like to think someday someone will pay me money to use one of my awesome pictures, ha! whatever it's therapeutic for me so that's all that matters to me. We went to t a new thrift store after wards and got a cute skirt , top and pair of jeans! and even a pair of pants for Eric for less them 18 bucks! Then he took me to my favorite $1 book store and I found a book about being an Adult Child ( for those of you who read this and are not sure what that is, it is someone who was a child of an alcoholic) and a Book from Oprah's book club By Eckhart Tolle called "A New Earth , Awakening to your life's purpose" Th back says it will help readers awaken to a new state of consciousness and follow a path to truly fulfilling existence" Sounds pretty damn good to me!

Sunday Eric took me to Disneyland in the morning where we rode Casey Jr. Train for the first time it is from the movie Dumbo and I can not stand to watch that movie. Not because I don't like it but because of the scene where Baby of Mine plays and Dumbo's mom is in a cage and sticks her trunk out of the cage widow to rock her baby (dumbo). Just explaining this to Eric and even typing it out right now makes me cry uncontrollably. I remember when my mom was in Rehab and we only got to spend a little bit of time with her once a week on these visits and we only got to hug her and hold her for a little while. She told me when I was little that when you lost an eye lash to make a wish on it and blow it away. So when she was in rehab I would pull my eyelashes out just to wish that she would be home and better soon. So moral is the story is that Casey Jr. train put me into a downward spiral of emotions for the rest of Sunday and most of Today. I just miss her....

Reflection

I have been spending a lot of time lately reflecting on my life and relationships I have. Eric and I have been having long discussion about how to react and interact with people. He says I need to stop putting in emotion and effort into people who wont even meet me half way or offer help in times of need. Sadly there are not very many people who are like that, but since my mom went away I have seen people who I haven't spoken to or see in years really step up and be supportive and I have seen people who I would except to be there really be selfish and fail completely. I am making a concision effort to weed out the toxic people in life, and to be honest it feels good, it feels freeing. I am also making more effort to spend time with the people who have shown me they really care, which I think is healthy.

Yesterday Eric's mom called to invite us to Easter brunch and I missed the call but while checking my voice mail I had to re-save a message in my inbox and it was my mom....of course I cried my head off and it really set me off for about 4 hours. I was just crying, not sobbing but constantly having tears run down my face, its like an internal pain that I know I can't fix so I let my body react to the pain by crying and just try to keep going.

I have been trying to do some crafts lately and I think its helping me heal, I feel proud of them and accomplished.I do wish I could show my mom when they are done but it feels good that Eric gets involved with me too. He gets excited and motivates me to continue or helps me out. I have also been trying to meditate lately, a friend of mine sent me a book about meditating and I have been taking time daily to partake in that activity. It feels good, gives me a moment of evaluation, peace and positive energy. I feel like I am taking steps to be healthier and change my life in a good way, Its a whole new monster to try to stop the sadness and tears but maybe these new things will help slowly make it less painful.

I'm still not ready for this

Yesterday was 6 months of her being gone. I planted 10 more trees in her name through Arborday.org. I miss everything about her....I saw her in my dream last night, she was behind a window and just stood there smiling at me. She was wearing this pink sweatshirt she used to wear all the time when I was little. I didn't wake up crying or anything I was happy I got to see her.

I have been listening to a lot of Dave Mathews bands and instead of avoiding music that might make me cry I am just playing whatever I want to hear and if I cry then so be it. There is a song that gets me every time called Baby Blue specific lyric that cuts me like a knife is :
Confess I'm not quite ready to be left. Still, I know I gave my level best. You give, you give, to this I can attest. You made me, you made me. You and me forever. 
I am not ready to say goodbye to her, I don't want to. I'm gonna see her again when I die. I don't want to say bye. 

I cry everyday and I beg my mom to take me with her.

Am I Depressed?

I oversleep everyday, I never feel good, I have no motivation, I hate people. I feel lonely even when people are around, Eric is not being there for me lately and its making everything seem so much worse.

I do not want to answer my phone anymore. I go back in forth in my head from "I  need to make changes to be a healthier person" to "who cares what I eat or what I do , life sucks" If someone says something that upsets me I either fight with all of me or ignore you entirely....there is only extremes in my world.

It feels good to cry, it feels even better to cry so hard that I can't catch my breath, its the only time I don't feel numb, I feel pain. I want my mom. That's all. I hate my life without her.

Tired is an understatement

So we went out of our way to send out these announcements to friends and family because people who knew were requesting them and people who didn't needed to know. Then what? 100 sent our and we got a gift or card from 10......wow...thanks guys, way to show love and support. I am so FUCKING tired of people. Fuck everyone! Send us a card that says congrats....anything!

We spent the last 2 weekends going to Redlands to pick up stuff that we wanted before my dad threw it away. OF COURSE my sister took the TV, freezer, hutch all the big ticket items. Granted I wanted more sentimental things like her robe, slippers, photo albums. The things that upsets me so much is my sisters husbands makes 6 figures a year and she doesn't even ask or consider anyone else she is just out for herself. If my dad offers me ANYTHING I say well ask Stacy first if she wants it I don't want to take something she wants. NOPE can't get common decency in return. She is religious and always acts like she wants to always do the right thing but she doesn't give a fuck about anyone else but herself. I am shocked at how she has acted since all of this happened. I really just don't want these people around me, it only bums me out to see my own family being manipulative selfish pricks!

The day we found out she had died, who was there? me.....all by myself. Like I was the last 3 times she had to go to the hospital, I visited her all the time, cleaned her house, took her shopping, was always there! I had to sit there and talk to police and coroners and EMS. Stacy didn't even come, my dad was on the road. I was there dealing with it all alone. Then she feels entitled to take whatever she wants with no regard? I am just fucking tired.

If my mom felt like this from my sister and my dad no fucking wonder she was so unhappy. It's not fucking healthy. Its such a huge toll on my soul. I am sad, sad, sad, sad and Disgusted at people. I feel like the only thing that I lived to protect and help is gone. I am so hurt and lost and the family I am left with .....I would trade for my mom in heart beat.

Fuck life.

Today is one of those days where EVERYTHING is setting me off. I miss my mom. I am so tired of everyone being assholes about everything. My dad met a "friend" at grief counseling...really......this bitch has had two husbands and a son die on her.....cough cough black widow cough cough. Not to mention meeting someone at grief counseling is like meeting someone at AA and going drinking together. Anyways He keeps trying to shove her existence down my throat and plan dinners calling them "family dinners" that bitch is not my family and no way in hell. He doesn't get I am so not even close to ready and neither is he. You don't see me going to and finding a new mom....It hurts that he doesn't consider how I feel and just that he wants to pretend he has this new family.

My sister is pregnant with her 4th child and I am excited for her but at the same time her husband has brain washed her into thinking anyone but his family is evil so I can't babysit the kids or anything unless she is there. She lets his side of the family babysit and go on trips and I don't even get a fucking thank you from buying them gifts or sending them valentines cards. She walks in my dads the other day and hands me a target plastic bag wrapped around a glass dish and says "Here is your wedding present" all snotty like I did something wrong. Why can't she want me to be happy? Why can't she be a sister to me? I want what is best for her, cater to her weird diet and schedules, her "what is appropriate" list and I get treated like an after thought, an inconvenience. You think for her sister in laws wedding gift she wrapped it in a target bag? I bet she even got her something on her registry! I asked her a million times to have a beach day with the kids and she kept saying no and then her sister in law posts pics of the kids saying "beach day" and its them on the beach.....really? I may sound like I am being a brat but for all the effort I put into thoughtful shit for everyone I sure am getting fucked up the ass.

I am DONE, done being around people who don't want the best for me, who don't consider my feelings. My mom is so thoughtful, she remembered everything, she never forgot about anything. She knew what you needed or wanted before you had to even say. I am stuck with selfish jerks. I miss her, I am like her in the sense I always try to go out of my way for people and be thoughtful and make them smile. For what? To regret it later? I feel more alone. I just want my mom back, I know my mom knew I loved her. and I know she loves me.

Uggh this venting just makes me more mad and wanna cry! I have too many emotions going on right now. Sometimes I just wish I was with her.

My heart knows before my head.

Today is exactly 5 months. I woke up this morning from a dead sleep last night (whiplash acting up so I took a Soma) 6:30am and commence immediate sobbing. Staring at the ceiling talking to her, Telling her how much I miss her and how excruciating this is to live through. Telling her how amazing she is and will always be and no matter what I know she would never do this intensionally. If I believed she could feel negative feelings she would feel guilt for dying and making us hurt. As much pain and unhappiness as she was in she would have suffered until the ends of days just for us, and I know that. I told her if she does feel anything feel relaxed and happy, and no one is mad at her. I know my relationship with my mom was something I will never have with anyone else and she never had with anyone else. I KNOW she knows I LOVE her. I know that.

I spent a good hour crying and talking to her and got up and realized "today is 5 months" everyday I cry but every time it is a month further down this painful road I wake up in the middle of the night crying or first thing in the morning. Before my mind knows it....my heart knows it. My heart cries first. Every time I cry I think my mom would say "I wish you wouldn't cry" or how she was always so apologetic if she ever felt that she hurt anyone and say "I am so sorry, so so sorry" She would always cry while apologizing because she felt that bad, she didn't have it in her to be mean. Then I in turn feel guilty for crying, I don't want her looking down on me and thinking "OK Wendy enough" or "Oh my gosh I broke her" I hope she just feels missed and loved.

In other news. We sent out our announcements and as excited as I was to get the whole thing done with, the realization that no one gives a shit sets in. People don't even tell me they got it, no gifts have come from my side of the family at all and very few from Eric's. It makes me feel like I don't have anyone except Eric who really loves or supports me. I expected friends and family to want to send anything a fucking card to show support and love for us. I want to call and cry to my mom about how hurt it feels that no one even cares. I would give anything to hear her console me. I am just beat down.

We never get over it. we only learn to cope

I haven't learned to cope yet. I miss her, everyday, every minute. I talk to her every morning and I apologize to her for not being there, followed by what I know she would say to me back. I use the same coffee creamer she does so my coffee tastes like my moms coffee. Yesterday Eric brought home a piece of the newspaper a section from their recipe booklet inside called "Relish" with a recipe for red velvet brownies. I broke down really hard because my mom used to leave the "Relish" portion of the paper on my bed for me because it was full of recipes and food coupons. On Sunday we went to Home Depot and into the garden section and I started crying (quietly of course) because I remember going there with my mom and I would hold her purse so she could look at plants and grab things and when she found something she liked I would carry it well. I always wanted her to be the least stressed out she could be. As you can clearly tell....everything reminds me of her.

In other life news, We finished and mailed out our wedding announcements and are done with any wedding related poo. I am happy its done. I hope my mom would be happy and not upset that we didn't have it because of her. I know in my heart she would want me to do whatever is less stressful for me. I am trying to be more outgoing instead of a hermit. I have been doing small errands on my own here and there which makes me feel really accomplished. I do miss my friends. My friend Michelle has come to visit me a few times in the last month which is so sweet of her. Its tough meeting new adult friends.

I am still not talking to my dad although he sent me a text saying "I know I said some mean things the last time we spoke, sorry about that". Oh well then, that makes it all better....NO! I still don't have the energy to deal with that whole thing. I just need time to focus on myself and my life. I have been feeling very lucky for Eric, he has been super supportive through all of my moods and retardations. I am trying to do more things that show him how much I appreciate him, its hard when I'm so emotionally unstable.

Four Months

Four Months ago today I lost my best friend, the only person in the world who will ever know me that well, my mom. I have missed her everyday , every minute. I feel like I have lost my path in life. I was chuggin' along and then she died and I got so massive derailed. I see everything differently now from the people in my life to what really matters. I have changed from planning a wedding to just having a reception to calling the whole thing off. From trying to bring my family closer together to needing to distance myself from some of them.

I still don't feel normal or stable. Everything I do or think about goes back to her. I go from having overwhelming fear of life without her to not caring about anything. I know my relationship with my mom and I know she loves me and I know she knows I love her. It is painful to have friends come out of the wood work trying to "be there" for me and then bailing or not making the time or asking me to revolve around them. It goes to show that they really don't understand this pain and what their selfish games do. I go through spurts of wanting to make my mom so proud and then just wanting to lay on the floor all day. My mom knew this pain and I know she understands what I am going through and I don't want to be sad for fear her feeling guilty for it. I am not mad at her for leaving. I am frustrated I am not myself. But the people who expect me to be don't understand this.

I am doing the best I can. I will not do things I don't want to and I will not put up with people who I have to dread being around. I will do the things my mom was too scared to do and I will live so she can see life. One day I might freaking stop crying but for now I hope she see's my tears and feel honored that she is so missed.

Neutral

I feel like I am in neutral right now. I have been less stressed out not talking to my dad and Eric has been amazing and supportive. I am doing more like organizing and cleaning and catching up on things but I am also really scared to do too much more. I apply for jobs and then when they call to set up an interview I get super scared and don't return their calls. Fucking stupid and I don't know how to stop being a wuss.

Yesterday Eric and I went to Disneyland in the morning before football and we went on Indiana Jones and I was laughing and smiling on the ride and we were being silly and right as the ride comes back to where to started for us to depart. We were the second car waiting to get off and I went from happy to crying. Not because of the end of the ride but lately if I get too much of any emotion I get overwhelmed and start to break down. Which makes me scared if I go to an interview if I get too nervous I might get overwhelmed and just break down. I still cry everyday and I don't know when it will hit.

Eric keeps saying I'm in no rush and don't push it if  it doesn't need to be pushed. I feel antsy to be myself but I'm not still and its frustrating and I can't do anything about it right now. blah!

I feel kinda good today.

I am starting to get back to organizing things and cleaning a lot again. I hadn't talked to my dad since I went off of them on Christmas eve for lying and that week not talking to him was the most relaxed I have been since she died. I tried to call him yesterday which was a bad idea.....he said unforgivable things and I just have to stay away from him, it's not healthy for me and I need to let go. I woke up this morning feeling good knowing I need to just do what is right for me and healthy for me.

My mom used to tell me she was scared to leave my dad because she didn't think she could find anyone else and she felt sorry for him, so she felt like she had to put up with him. I put up with his abuse for so long because I didn't want to lose contact with my mom, now I don't need to feel obligated to suffer through it. The last day I saw my mom she told me how much she admired that I said what I felt and I was strong and not scared to just be honest. I know I need to do what is right for me now.

My friend Sarah and I started a few years ago making crazy long lists of new years resolutions, which I did again this year. I guess that way if we have 30 things and we accomplish 2 at least we did something :). My number one is get rid of unnecessary stress factors in my life. With that being said....cancelled the wedding plans, at least for now. It doesn't seem worth it in the middle of grieving, without my mom there, I just can't take it right now.

A new year...I want only people in my life who want the best for me and I want the best for. If someone goes out of their way to intentionally hurt me.....I just can't keep them around. I want to make the friendships I have stronger and closer and meet new friends with good people.