5 weeks.

I miss my mom, yea nothing new there. Already cried 3 times and its not even noon yet. Yayy for life. I am entirely unmotivated. I had a hair appointment this morning but I cancelled it because I took my mom to that salon and got her hair cut & styled for mothers day and I didn't want to have to talk about it with my stylist. Everyone keeps saying "treat yourself" "do something nice for yourself" all i feel like doing is punishing myself for not being there for my mom more. I know my mom would say "don't worry about something you have no control over" and I know I can't do anything about her being gone and I know wanting her back is selfish but I can't help it.

This morning when I looked at her picture I normally burst into tears but today I smiled at her and said "Hi Mimi" kissed it and then! burst into tears.....maybe that is progress I have no idea. When we were little my Grandma used to call us when bad things would happen and say everything would be OK and my mom will be fine and its been years since that has happened and I keep thinking I wish she was still alive to do that, but she is probably telling my mom that in heaven. People don't reach out much anymore to see how I am doing I feel like when I go out in public people can tell. I feel like walking wounded.....like a zombie. I don't try to do my hair cute or look cute or fuck even wear make up half the time. I just don't care.

Having a hard time accepting....

Acceptance of a death.....seems a bit contradictory, you don;t have a choice or say in the matter. It's not like I can contest it and appeal it. I woke up this morning (like every morning) opening my eyes hugging the bunny my mom sewed me when I was little and look at the sun beams on the ceiling and walls dancing from the reflection of the water outside and I say out loud "I miss you momma" and burst into tears. I have no idea what "stage of grieving" I am in but I still can't imagine her not coming back....ever.

When I was younger I used to lay in the floor and stare at the ceiling and think about being dead, I would imagine what it would feel like if there was no more me. I would get this horrible empty feeling inside to the point where i would cry because it was so scary. I feel that feeling in my stomach all the time now. The first thing I saw this morning when I turned on my computer was an article about "proof of heaven" I read it and it actually made me feel happy for my mom that she get relief and freedom. The article was promoting a news show about it and the author link here neuroscientist-sees-proof-heaven  I don't know where heaven is but I know my mom is there with my Grandma and Great grandma.

My mom is my everything, I still think all the time "I just wanna call her" or ask her advice on things. I am so fucking sad. I don't see myself ever being OK that she isn't here or ever not being sad. I think about all the things she has been through and I know she is in a better place and would want me to find peace in that but I want my mom back. I know its selfish of me to want her back here where she wasn't happy but I don't know how to find happiness when my whole heart is gone. I am not myself anymore.

My new hobby is crying...

I woke up crying this morning seems to be the norm now. My dad came back from work yesterday because he isn't OK yet which is understandable. I noticed when going to pick him up and bringing him home then driving home myself I go from being sullen and sad to angry and impatient very fast for no reason really. I almost wish someone would come along and piss me off so I could just beat the shit out them....I want to punch and kick and and get all my aggression out even though it wont bring her back or probably not make me feel better its just what i want to do.

Everything reminds me of my mom...and I am constantly thinking about her and how I wish I could change things, make things better. I found an e-mail from her where I told her I was scared to be far away from her because I wanted her to be able to call me if she ever needed me and I miss her. She replied by saying "don't be scared, you are always there for me but please don't worry about me, I am OK" I feel like that is what she would say to me now if she could....I hate that I wasn't there and I know I need to forgive myself and find peace but right now I am just really mad at myself.

I know my mom had a lot of pain and inner turmoil her whole life and it ate her alive. I know she doesn't have that anymore and I am happy for her. I wish she realized when she was here she is THE BEST mom and made my sister and I who we are. I am not ashamed of anything and I am proud of her and who she made me. I hope if nothing else she feels that pride now. I wish I could have helped her more and made her happier.

These posts are probably all over the place and make no sense. Oh well...Miss you & love you mom so much. xoxo

I'm in hell...

It doesn't seem to be letting up. I broke down first thing this morning and numerous times today, My dad figured out her e-mail address password and I snooped around the sent mail and found some really good e-mail she sent me saying she loves me and one that really broke me down saying "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, YOU ARE THE BEST DAUGHTER IN THE WORLD" as good as it felt to read that it hurt even worse to know I can't hear her saying that to me. I miss her so much and I have no idea how to keep going without her.

I keep finding pennies on the floor and quarters and even dollars bills, Eric says its my mom giving me my favorite thing. Today I found another dollar on the floor along with a quart and a penny all in different places. I want to believe everything is her...I don't know if it is but it makes me feel good to think it is. I really hope she can see how amazing she is and how loved she is and will always be. I have never experienced such intense pain and sadness. People keep saying "you're so strong" and "you'll get through this"... This is strong? sobbing my head off constantly? I don't want to "get through this" I want my MOM! I want the life back I had with her here. I know if there was a way I could get her back I could....I want her bad enough and I am strong enough I could get her back if I just know how to do it.

I think if she had a choice now enjoying herself with my grandma is heaven to come back to be with us and be unhappy here I don't think she would come back....and it's selfish of me or my family to want to keep her here if she is happier where she is. She deserves to be happy and stress free. Even if it means we have to be in pain with out her. I miss you mom and love you so much....so so so fucking much. I am so emotionally unstable right now and I would give everything just for a hug from you.

One month

She passed on September 21, 2012. Today October 21, 2012 is exactly one month. I still every multiple times every day. Eric woke me up early and took  me to Disneyland to get my favorite coffee and a cinnamon bun for breakfast. Every mom I see I wanna cry...I keep finding pennies and even in the last week I found 3 dollar bills on the floor. My mom always said I would hoard money so I wonder if it is her giving me these things she thinks will make me smile a bit.

Eric's favorite ride is Star Tours so we decided to ride it and they pick a rider to be the "rebel spy" and neither of us have ever been the spy but today of all days. I was the rebel spy. I felt like my mom was trying to let me know its OK to have fun and enjoy myself and not to be sad. As the ride ended Eric turned to me and said "you're mom did that" of course it made me cry. I fluctuate from feeling overwhelmed with guilt for not being there more to feeling confident that I know she isn't mad at me and she loves me and I know she knows I love her. we left the park after about 2 hours I couldn't handle being around all those families and I was emotionally spent at that point anyways.

I miss her so so so so so much and I want her to be happy. I know she wants me to be happy but I literally am not able to be right now. I know I'm dehydrated from crying and not drinking or eating enough and my muscles are sore from doing nothing. All I want to do is sleep.

Fighting myself.

I feel like I am breaking down more and more often, I swear I cried all day yesterday. My cell phone bill have been double due to all the calls to family and planning the funeral, just calling T-mobile this morning and trying to change my plan to have more minutes they asked why I needed more minutes and I broke down, I have one less person I can talk to yet I need more minutes to console the lives left here.

I feel like I can barely breathe and may vomit all the time. It is interesting that people expect that after the funeral is over for you to just go back to normal. Are you insane? In history people wore black for years to show publicly they were grieving and it was honored and respected and they weren't expected to ever be "healed" again. When people call and ask "how are you?" or "whats wrong?" REALLY my mom died...do I need to say that over and over? or defend my feelings for still feeling it so strongly? It feels like since she left it has been one LONG hellish day. The funeral seems a long time ago but the pain is fresh and real.

I'm not scared of anything anymore, I don't feel nervous or worried. I feel just devastated and I don't give a fuck about anything. I used to pray every time i got in my car "Please god keep me safe and accident free, Please god keep everyone on the road around me safe and accident free" I did it so much it became a habit. I get in my car now and I start it out of habit "please god....." I got nothin.... "Please god.......just make sure my mom is happy" that's it. Someone give me a dirty look I will stare you down. Give me attitude and I will call you out. I am not afraid of anything anymore. You would think that would feel better then stress but its very empty and dead inside. I look forward to being my moms legacy and making her proud....but right now I am a casualty , shrapnel left after a life altering blow.

My Mind, Body & Soul are in Chaos.

It's been a little over 3 weeks since my mom passed away and oddly enough it has gotten emotionally worse I feel. I break down at least 3-6 times a day crying and all I can say is "I want my mom". I know she would kick my ass if she was here and saw me so sad. But I truly can't help it, I feel like me heart is gone totally gone, not broken, not hurting just gone, empty.

My sister and I went through her jewelry and clothes to separate and keep what reminded us of her the most. Needless to say I want everything from her hair brush to her pajamas. But then I don't want any of it because it's not her. I found some old reports and projects from school when I was younger she had kept. Even a letter I wrote to the tooth fairy asking for more quarters covered in pixie dust (glitter) she had kept. I also found two voice mails of her on my cell phone and in both of them she says "love you" at the end which of course made me cry uncontrollably but also felt really good to hear her voice saying those words to me. I had Eric record them onto the computer so I can keep them. It's like everything reminds me of her and everything breaks me down. I keep trying to remember she is happy now and free and I know she would be upset with me for being so sad and I don't want her to feel guilty for being gone. So i feel guilty for crying.

Some friends of mine have really stepped up and check on me a lot and send me love and then some who I thought would totally be there are fucking assholes. I still have no idea how I am ever going to be better or ever be truly happy again, but I know this is the hardest thing I WILL ever go through in my life and if I can figure out how to be happy again I know I will be invincible. Until then I am in the worst possible place.

WHAT THE HECK GOD!?!

So a little over a month after celebrating my mom's 60th birthday with her she suddenly passes away. I am shocked, crushed, lost and a total mess.

No illness, no signs of impending doom....like being hit by an 18 wheeler and dragged 100 miles under neath it and left to figure it out.

So wedding plans I am not sure anymore....I don't want to have a wedding without my mom there. I miss everything about her, I would literally give everything I have to gave her back. I am normally so straight forward thinking and on track and right now I am stupid, confused and utterly a huge miss. I feel like everything about my life suddenly lost all meaning and I don't care about anything anymore. I don't care if I have no friends, I don't care if I have no money, I don't care if I die....what is the point of life if I don't get to share it with my mom? what is the point of having fun or even trying if I can't tell her about it later?

You learn when someone close to you passes away how fucking stupid people are around you. People obviously have no idea what to say to you and they say the MOST inappropriate and fucked up shit! Being in this "I don't care mode" stupid people are actually therapeutic to me because I will rip them apart. I don't care if I ruin their self esteem or hurt their feelings....fuck them! I am is turbo protective mode of my family right now and I dare you to fuck with me. I am teetering between anger , denial and the deepest sadness imaginable. I missed a wedding and my 10 year high school reunion and I really do not care.

I feel guilty when I smile, I feel guilty I wasn't there for her more. I know she is happier and relieved of all her stress and pain, but I feel left behind. I feel cheated on time I should have had with her, I do take comfort in knowing she is with her mom now in heaven and I KNOW she knows I love her, no question. I also know if she could say anything to me she would say "Don't you dare feel guilty or bad , this is not your fault and has nothing to do with you" and "I love you so much you are my heart" and even knowing that I still can't stop feeling like I could have done something.....

Where does my life go from here? What am I supposed to do without her? Why did she have to die? I am a wreck and all I keep saying is "I want my mom".