Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Reflection

I have been spending a lot of time lately reflecting on my life and relationships I have. Eric and I have been having long discussion about how to react and interact with people. He says I need to stop putting in emotion and effort into people who wont even meet me half way or offer help in times of need. Sadly there are not very many people who are like that, but since my mom went away I have seen people who I haven't spoken to or see in years really step up and be supportive and I have seen people who I would except to be there really be selfish and fail completely. I am making a concision effort to weed out the toxic people in life, and to be honest it feels good, it feels freeing. I am also making more effort to spend time with the people who have shown me they really care, which I think is healthy.

Yesterday Eric's mom called to invite us to Easter brunch and I missed the call but while checking my voice mail I had to re-save a message in my inbox and it was my mom....of course I cried my head off and it really set me off for about 4 hours. I was just crying, not sobbing but constantly having tears run down my face, its like an internal pain that I know I can't fix so I let my body react to the pain by crying and just try to keep going.

I have been trying to do some crafts lately and I think its helping me heal, I feel proud of them and accomplished.I do wish I could show my mom when they are done but it feels good that Eric gets involved with me too. He gets excited and motivates me to continue or helps me out. I have also been trying to meditate lately, a friend of mine sent me a book about meditating and I have been taking time daily to partake in that activity. It feels good, gives me a moment of evaluation, peace and positive energy. I feel like I am taking steps to be healthier and change my life in a good way, Its a whole new monster to try to stop the sadness and tears but maybe these new things will help slowly make it less painful.

Friday, March 22, 2013

I'm still not ready for this

Yesterday was 6 months of her being gone. I planted 10 more trees in her name through Arborday.org. I miss everything about her....I saw her in my dream last night, she was behind a window and just stood there smiling at me. She was wearing this pink sweatshirt she used to wear all the time when I was little. I didn't wake up crying or anything I was happy I got to see her.

I have been listening to a lot of Dave Mathews bands and instead of avoiding music that might make me cry I am just playing whatever I want to hear and if I cry then so be it. There is a song that gets me every time called Baby Blue specific lyric that cuts me like a knife is :
Confess I'm not quite ready to be left. Still, I know I gave my level best. You give, you give, to this I can attest. You made me, you made me. You and me forever. 
I am not ready to say goodbye to her, I don't want to. I'm gonna see her again when I die. I don't want to say bye. 

Monday, March 18, 2013

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Am I Depressed?

I oversleep everyday, I never feel good, I have no motivation, I hate people. I feel lonely even when people are around, Eric is not being there for me lately and its making everything seem so much worse.

I do not want to answer my phone anymore. I go back in forth in my head from "I  need to make changes to be a healthier person" to "who cares what I eat or what I do , life sucks" If someone says something that upsets me I either fight with all of me or ignore you entirely....there is only extremes in my world.

It feels good to cry, it feels even better to cry so hard that I can't catch my breath, its the only time I don't feel numb, I feel pain. I want my mom. That's all. I hate my life without her.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Tired is an understatement

So we went out of our way to send out these announcements to friends and family because people who knew were requesting them and people who didn't needed to know. Then what? 100 sent our and we got a gift or card from 10......wow...thanks guys, way to show love and support. I am so FUCKING tired of people. Fuck everyone! Send us a card that says congrats....anything!

We spent the last 2 weekends going to Redlands to pick up stuff that we wanted before my dad threw it away. OF COURSE my sister took the TV, freezer, hutch all the big ticket items. Granted I wanted more sentimental things like her robe, slippers, photo albums. The things that upsets me so much is my sisters husbands makes 6 figures a year and she doesn't even ask or consider anyone else she is just out for herself. If my dad offers me ANYTHING I say well ask Stacy first if she wants it I don't want to take something she wants. NOPE can't get common decency in return. She is religious and always acts like she wants to always do the right thing but she doesn't give a fuck about anyone else but herself. I am shocked at how she has acted since all of this happened. I really just don't want these people around me, it only bums me out to see my own family being manipulative selfish pricks!

The day we found out she had died, who was there? me.....all by myself. Like I was the last 3 times she had to go to the hospital, I visited her all the time, cleaned her house, took her shopping, was always there! I had to sit there and talk to police and coroners and EMS. Stacy didn't even come, my dad was on the road. I was there dealing with it all alone. Then she feels entitled to take whatever she wants with no regard? I am just fucking tired.

If my mom felt like this from my sister and my dad no fucking wonder she was so unhappy. It's not fucking healthy. Its such a huge toll on my soul. I am sad, sad, sad, sad and Disgusted at people. I feel like the only thing that I lived to protect and help is gone. I am so hurt and lost and the family I am left with .....I would trade for my mom in heart beat.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Fuck life.

Today is one of those days where EVERYTHING is setting me off. I miss my mom. I am so tired of everyone being assholes about everything. My dad met a "friend" at grief counseling...really......this bitch has had two husbands and a son die on her.....cough cough black widow cough cough. Not to mention meeting someone at grief counseling is like meeting someone at AA and going drinking together. Anyways He keeps trying to shove her existence down my throat and plan dinners calling them "family dinners" that bitch is not my family and no way in hell. He doesn't get I am so not even close to ready and neither is he. You don't see me going to and finding a new mom....It hurts that he doesn't consider how I feel and just that he wants to pretend he has this new family.

My sister is pregnant with her 4th child and I am excited for her but at the same time her husband has brain washed her into thinking anyone but his family is evil so I can't babysit the kids or anything unless she is there. She lets his side of the family babysit and go on trips and I don't even get a fucking thank you from buying them gifts or sending them valentines cards. She walks in my dads the other day and hands me a target plastic bag wrapped around a glass dish and says "Here is your wedding present" all snotty like I did something wrong. Why can't she want me to be happy? Why can't she be a sister to me? I want what is best for her, cater to her weird diet and schedules, her "what is appropriate" list and I get treated like an after thought, an inconvenience. You think for her sister in laws wedding gift she wrapped it in a target bag? I bet she even got her something on her registry! I asked her a million times to have a beach day with the kids and she kept saying no and then her sister in law posts pics of the kids saying "beach day" and its them on the beach.....really? I may sound like I am being a brat but for all the effort I put into thoughtful shit for everyone I sure am getting fucked up the ass.

I am DONE, done being around people who don't want the best for me, who don't consider my feelings. My mom is so thoughtful, she remembered everything, she never forgot about anything. She knew what you needed or wanted before you had to even say. I am stuck with selfish jerks. I miss her, I am like her in the sense I always try to go out of my way for people and be thoughtful and make them smile. For what? To regret it later? I feel more alone. I just want my mom back, I know my mom knew I loved her. and I know she loves me.

Uggh this venting just makes me more mad and wanna cry! I have too many emotions going on right now. Sometimes I just wish I was with her.