Forcing Healthy?

People think "Oh my gosh we have to move on now, hurry hurry!" I am at the point where I am working toward happy and less in the deep in, so to speak. But I can tell when I am pushing myself too hard. On days when I do more and push more the next day the tears are 10x worse. It all has to be in moderation. I am looking into traveling and planning trips, which feels wrong and scary but I know that is how my mom always felt. She was always so scared to spend money mostly because she knew my dad had put them in huge financial debt and would buy things on a whim and she would have to "save him" so she was always on edge of his next move and never got to find or even dream of what would make her happy. I know I need a fresh perspective, a new environment even if it is temporary.

I am realizing in a healthy way what is healthy and who is healthy in my life. When things upset me or make me tense or anxious I can identify it and try to work through it or see that I need to rid myself of that thing or person. They say if people want to be in your life they will make the effort to be there, you wont have to wonder. I am trying to be more patient with people and know when not to put in my own effort.

I am doing more nice things for people "random acts of kindness" because I want to and it makes me feel good. I buy my neighbors little gifts (books, cards, candy). I send friends who have kids little care packages of toys and activity books. Still donating 10 trees for every month that goes buy in my moms name. My mom was always afraid to focus on herself and had a lot of guilt. She was afraid to give to people for free to when she would need something. But when I helped her give she was so proud of herself and so happy. I hope she can see everything I am giving back is in her name and for her, she is amazing and I hope she knows she will make the world a better place, even from heaven.

People can say I should be less sad or moved on or anything they want. But I am doing what is right for me and I am not forcing anything. Baby steps to find what works.