Every Holiday is a hurdle I dread it and when its over I get very little satisfaction that it is done and I start to dwell and essentially dread the next hurdle in the distance. Granted I did this prior to my mom passing because of my anxiety but more so now, it is debilitating. Yesterday was Mothers Day so of course I woke up crying, crying multiple times through out the morning. My mom favorite animal is an elephant so I sponsored / adopted an elephant in her name.
Eric mom really wanted us to go to Brunch at his step-dads family county club. I didn't want to go I had multiple break downs just trying to do my hair. I told myself to do what my mom taught me which was when I used to not feel good for school she would tell me "OK well just try to get ready and see if you feel better and if you don't when its time to leave you can go back to bed" so I tried to get ready for this brunch. I made it out the door we were late and I was freakishly nervous and on the verge of tears. His "step family" all know what happened and were all very happy and supportive to see me. It went pretty well.
Now that it is over of course today my first stressful thought is "Now to get through my birthday" which will be harder I think, my mom always did the most sweet and thoughtful things even when she wasn't near by she would call me and sing or send me very sweet heartfelt cards. I would like to disappear on the day, all day. I don't want to answer my phone, or plan anything. I just wish she was here. Once this hurdle is over I am either going to be uber depressed or feel a little relieved. Oh what torture is still to come....
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