Waking up crying

Waking up crying not like just a tear or two but like immense amounts of pain crying. I saw my mom in my dream and she was laying on her bed at the house and I was sitting on the bed cross legs playing with her hair. She looked at me and say "I won't be here long" I responded with "Be here long?" and she said "I wont be here long without you" I told her that Eric says she will always be with me and she said "I will" and I started to tear up and I said "Like right next to me?" and she said "I will" and then of course I started sobbing and woke myself up and was so upset I feel like when I start crying when she talks to me in my dreams I scare her away from wanting to do it again and I had so many more things I wanted to ask her and I fucking ruined it by crying and waking myself up.......

Week of Nerves

So Sunday night I went to an Al-anon meeting, I have read numerous books about being an adult child of an alcoholic family but I know going to a meeting was going to be the next step in calming my tornado inside. It was beyond nerve wracking and I cried just listening to other people share. I shared a bit about what I am going through and it felt kind of good.

I learned out of the blue that my dad sold the house and told me I needed to come clear out things and I know I have everything I wanted from my mom and my own stuff and I had multiple panic attacks thinking about going there, seeing the house destroyed, seeing my dads GF and my sister (who is prego and being an emotional psycho bitch) and Eric came home and saw me on the floor hyperventilating and put his foot down and said "you aren't going, you don't owe them anything, your dad just wants you to help him clear out his mess" It was hard to not go but I didn't, I wrote them an e-mail saying I couldn't make it and my dad wrote back saying "I wish you had more to say" and I wrote a long emotional but nice e-mail back and got new response.....NICE! I have to separate myself from the things and people that aren't helping me stay healthy. I can't do it.

I decided I need a change, I booked an appointment at a salon in Seal beach that had good Yelp reviews and got my hair chopped off, I wanted it even shorter but Eric said to give to two weeks and see if I like it and later I can get it cut shorter if I want. I also drove to Murrieta to see my friend Vanessa and had some awesome laughs and it was scary and stressful to drive all that way but I am glad I did.

I have been able to wake up happy 3 days this week. that's a record! I feel stronger like I can push through my nerves and improve. Its exhausting, I literally pass out from the tension and nerves once the hurdle is over but it is what I have to do I guess. Keep pushing...

Empty

It's interesting how the people that don't know what I am feeling have the nerve to say that because I am sad that there is something wrong with me or I need help. Sadness when faced with loss is natural. let me repeat that SADNESS WHEN FACED WITH LOSS IS NATURAL. Do you think it helps to add to someones pain by saying there is something wrong with them? Is there a published scientific guideline of how long sadness is supposed to last? and then if it goes a minute over the socially accepted allotted amount of time they are fucked up and everyone needs to run the opposite direction.

I have seen parts of people who I thought were good during all of this that are so disgusting it is embarrassing to me that I ever considered them even an ounce of good. This is what is wrong with the world, people don't go out there way to help each other, or show love & support, they say it, don't mean it and are more so clearly the selfish asshole they always were.

I am doing what is best for me and taking space and I need to learn to do that without feeling bullied into being what people think I should be or feeling guilt for focusing on myself. I feel like there is an empty hole in my heart that is a vortex and it's sucking every piece of life I have into it. I am the only one who can stop it.