Would you be missed?

If something happened and I died tomorrow, would I be missed? Would you be missed? People think "oh yeah people would miss me" but would they? Have you done good in life? Have you helped others? Made a difference? I think that I am a good person and I know have done good for people but I don't think I would be missed.

Ever since my mom died I feel like the one person who I KNOW would find me if I was lost is gone. Like walking around without a safety net. If I died tomorrow no one would even know. If I went missing would anyone notice? Of course Eric would know and he may tell him mom but no one would probably tell my family (the few) and even if they did I don't think they would worry or try to find me. If I died I don't think anyone would miss me much if at all.

This is not a pity party it's my feelings. I don't have close friends mostly business contacts and random people who will call or text you every 6 months to see "whats new?". My dentist would of course wonder why I missed my cleaning appointment. My clients would wonder why they haven't gotten any updates. Odd feeling.

On the flip side of that I may feel like I lost my safety net but I also know my mom is watching me and she has some say in what happens to me. My mom used to tell me to "give it to god" which sounds AMAZING but how do I do that? I worry about dumb ass shit all the time and I would LOVE to give my worry away. But its impossible it feels.

Life in progress...

So, this is 30

Well my 30th birthday has come and gone, thank god! Not as freakishly emotional as the last but still entirely overwhelmed. A friend of mine took the day off work and took me to Disneyland which was 100+ degrees that day and it seemed like every ride was broke or an hour plus wait so we bailed. We got coffee and chatted for hours. It was a very nice distraction from what would have been a very depressing / cry baby day if I had stayed home and attempted to work. Eric came home, brought me flowers and took me to dinner followed by 2 pieces of cake! I got a card in the mail from my dad (shock considering he didn't acknowledge my existence on Christmas or Eric's on his B-day) it didn't say much but made me cry. I felt cared about and loved (even if for a moment) that day. It was a good day overall.

I have had in the last two and a half weeks a lot of appointments which make me extremely anxious and stressed out knowing something is coming days away and I can't just get it over with fast enough! So I have been extremely tense and high stress lately. To the point where I have been clinching my teeth and I wake up with a sore jaw and sore neck from it. Ugh like I need more shit wrong to add to my stress! SO I am trying very hard to make a conscious effort to stay in the moment or at least focus on the day I am in.  I have had a bit of lack of motivation to do much else because stressing is stressful and I have been completely ZAPPED of energy.

I need more tips and tricks to control my anxiety and stress. I want to be one of those people who just gets excited about things, new adventures, change, etc. I am NOT at all that person. I want to learned to go with the flow and enjoy the moment. I want to look at my life and think "I have it good!" instead of "OK I can relax once I do this, or that, or fix that, or get that done, etc!" It's never ending. I get through one thing and find something else to stress about.....it is not cool! I will not get more stressed as my life goes on......I need to take 30 on in a CALM fashion. ..... In progress.

De-Stress?

How the hell do you de-stress? I know my stress level runs high for sure but I am at a point where I am painfully noticing the toll it is taking on my body. How do I calm down? Have I already done too much damage? How can I just enjoy the moment and not freak out? How can I not get beyond nervous for things that should be routine and exciting? This is my mission.

So today I had a dentist appointment to which I got so nervous before hand I felt like I was going to pass out. Then I got a clean bill of no cavities, had a nice cleaning and even really liked this new dentist. Yet what do I do? WORRY. "Well what if they missed something" "what if my tooth is cracked and they didn't see it?" "what if something bad happens still?" Why can't I live in the moment and think "thank goodness I am good to go I can relax now" NOPE!

I need to really make this a daily goal and pay attention to how I am feeling in every moment and what I can do to relax in that moment. Work through the tension and learn to let go of it. I  know my stress is giving poor Eric gray hairs, I need to do this for both of us.

What the FUCK brain!?!

Why do I fight myself constantly? I compare myself to other people "oh she had better skin than I do" "she has bigger boobs" "her teeth are straighter than mine" I used to never give a fuck. I used to think "you be pretty like you and I'll be pretty like me" I can say to myself if I look like shit its because I have been through a hell you can't imagine and I'm really just lucky to have hair on my damn head. I am on a mission to get that confidence back!

I know everyone is different and if you go to any amusement park and just look around you can see that people come in ALL different shapes, sizes, colors, styles, etc. People are real! Not that shit you see on TV and in magazines, the people in the world , at the grocery store, at the bank etc are all real people. They smell, their clothes are wrinkled, they have weird laughs, lazy eyes, glasses, braces, bad posture, hair in random places, gray hairs, clothes that don't fit. I could go on forever!! I know "they" say "be the best version of you" it's really all you can do. BUT what is the line? So if I say I would be better if I dyed my hair or got a nose job or a boob job. It's still be but is that a better version? Where is the line between me and too far?

I know I don't look like my friends. I have friends who get so freaking dolled up for no damn reason that no matter how cute I look I feel like I look frumpy because I don't even know how to go to that extreme with ten pounds of makeup and a million things hanging off my body: earrings, necklaces, bracelets, rings, scarf, beanie, like really......Isn't that tiring?

Why can't we all be happy being what and who we are without all the BS? You can never attain perfection, because it isn't real. But why do I feel like I need to constantly compare myself? I am tired of it. My goal is to be happy with me.