Her Birthday

She would have been 61 years young on August 18th. We woke up to Eric doing is normal Sunday donut run. I posted on my social media sites about the project Eric & I did for her Birthday. Through dosomething.org we hand made 61 Birthday cards for Youth living in homeless shelters and donated them in my moms name. All of the cards have KSBF on the back. Eric brought back her favorite donuts and we sang Happy Birthday to her. I was determined to celebrate her and make her have a good birthday, we ran some errands and came back home to make some dinner. Of course walking in the door and actually sitting still for a minute I broke down...remembering her last birthday and how happy she was and going from store to store looking for Happy Birthday candles for her cake. After dinner we went to ESPN zone at Downtown Disney where they have the most decadent Carrot Cake which is my moms most favorite cake. We asked them to put a lit candle in it for us and we blew it out together for her.

I hope she had the best birthday, and had fun watching us celebrate her. I miss her so so much and I got a lot of very nice feedback on our project. My dad "liked" my post only after my sisters, husbands mom commented on how nice it was. He is so fake and lame, even if I do it alone I will show my mom how loved she is and will live on forever through the good done in her name. She deserves only the best because she is the best. Happy Birthday Mommy! I love you so much! It's all for you!

Making friends as an adult.

Why isn't it as easy as it was when we were younger? WTF we are so much more mature you would think it would be much easier to connect. It used to be all you had to have in common was what you did at recess or showing up to school and having the same shoes on was like "oh we are friends" and now it's like "Bitch, I look better in these, how dare you show up in them!" everything is such a competition now. Who has more money, who can shop harder, who parties or travels more. Its all shallow bullshit that I can not connect with. I don't care what you bought or how many of it you bought, I don't care how much money you spend. I don't. I am cheap, I shop of thrift stores, I hoard glass jars for the "just in case" I find a purpose for them. I wear my clothes until I literally can't anymore. I still wear clothes from high school, I sew the holes in my socks, I make my own soap. Not because I can't afford new but because I don't want to spend my money on that shit! Why spend money when I can do it myself or fix it myself? People see things as so disposable, that is why our land is covered in trash.

I feel like I need to find some hippies or something to be friends with. People who are materialistic consumers. I have NO debt. NONE! how many people can say that? probably NONE! ok vent session over.

Pushing.

Pushing myself past my anxiety and depression doesn't always work and sometimes backfires but I think I am making progress. The last couple weeks I had a meeting with a new intern for my company, whom I met at a show randomly started chatting (so not like me). I had lunch with Eric's mom alone and she took me to Greek food which I didn't think I liked. I tried new food (again I am a wuss). I went to Eric's show this weekend and met a married couple there who were hilarious and I ended up standing and chatting with them for about 2 hours! I have been e-mailing my Aunt more and spending more time trying to get to know people that are in my life.

I have noticed sometimes the more I push the more emotional I get later. Talking with Eric's mom really felt good and I felt like someone wanted to spend time with me. Eric and I have been doing well, he has been playing a lot of shows I am trying to be supportive, I get lonely but I am trying to get out more.

I haven't been sleeping very well maybe from the nerves of all the action outside my norm or maybe because my diet has been crap lately. Either way I am pushing.