I know when the 21st rolls around every month and I dread it....I have been donating to a charity in her name every month on the day mostly planting trees in her name. My birthday is coming which I wish I could just be dead for that day along with Mother's Day. I am sick of seeing things to by Moms, it makes me mad more then sad.
On my birthday every year she would sing Happy Birthday to me and cook me my favorite dinner it was always either Shephard's pie or Stir Fry. She would always make a cake even though she knew I was always watching my weight and wouldn't eat much of it. If I wasn't home on the day she would call and not even say hello just start singing "Happy Birthday to you.." when I picked up. Celebrating a day you were born but then person who made you and gave birth to you isn't here makes it seem stupid. She always got me the mushiest cards. I just want her....
I have been listening to her voice mail on my phone a lot. I still don't understand that she is never coming back, her voice sounds so happy and sweet. I listen to it and ball my eyes out and talk to her and say "I love you mom" It's fucking hard to deal with.
I have been reading the book "A New Earth" and its good but I am a wanderer when I read I still think of other things so I feel like I am not getting all I can out of it. I have been re-reading pages so make sure I understood them and am trying to make time daily to read it and learn.
I feel over whelmed with a lot of things and stressed out. I wish my mom would tell me in my dreams that she isn't mad at me so maybe I can find some peace inside myself. I know I have to find my own peace and no one can give it to me I just wish she would talk to me.
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