I am starting to get back to organizing things and cleaning a lot again. I hadn't talked to my dad since I went off of them on Christmas eve for lying and that week not talking to him was the most relaxed I have been since she died. I tried to call him yesterday which was a bad idea.....he said unforgivable things and I just have to stay away from him, it's not healthy for me and I need to let go. I woke up this morning feeling good knowing I need to just do what is right for me and healthy for me.
My mom used to tell me she was scared to leave my dad because she didn't think she could find anyone else and she felt sorry for him, so she felt like she had to put up with him. I put up with his abuse for so long because I didn't want to lose contact with my mom, now I don't need to feel obligated to suffer through it. The last day I saw my mom she told me how much she admired that I said what I felt and I was strong and not scared to just be honest. I know I need to do what is right for me now.
My friend Sarah and I started a few years ago making crazy long lists of new years resolutions, which I did again this year. I guess that way if we have 30 things and we accomplish 2 at least we did something :). My number one is get rid of unnecessary stress factors in my life. With that being said....cancelled the wedding plans, at least for now. It doesn't seem worth it in the middle of grieving, without my mom there, I just can't take it right now.
A new year...I want only people in my life who want the best for me and I want the best for. If someone goes out of their way to intentionally hurt me.....I just can't keep them around. I want to make the friendships I have stronger and closer and meet new friends with good people.
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