Everyday I think of how I could have done things differently to make my mom happier or possibly live longer, I get mad at myself for not being better. I look in the mirror and think of how ugly I think I am and how my teeth aren't straight and my skin is so fair, the way my skin folds when I smile. I look at myself and think "you're gross" and "I need to get my teeth fixed, my skin fixed, my face fixed, my hair fixed" I am so hard on myself and I think people around me have to suffer being around me.
Eric says I am the most beautiful woman he has ever seen and I think "yea right...are you blind?" when people compliment me I automatically think "oh they are just being nice". I feel so beaten down on so many levels that I might as well kick myself while I am down I guess. If I am not obsessed with one flaw it is another and I go back and forth on them, there is never a time of peace. I am always looking at myself as yuck and I need to be fixed.
Why am I so obsessed with what I think is wrong with me? If I changed every little thing would the obsession stop? Or would I keep finding thing after thing that is a tiny flaw in my eyes. Until what? Finding inner happiness....that is harder to do then anything.
No comments:
Post a Comment