Christmas Eve

well. Just as when my grandma died that was the first year the whole family didn't get together. Today we are supposed to get together my sister and her family and my dad. Only to find out yesterday that they let me jump though hoops and buy more gifts to cover my dads ass then I could afford only to find out they lied the whole time. So I am totally betrayed, sad, and so exhausted on every level I could sleep for days. I have boxes of presents with no receipts because who they fuck would think I would need to return them. The family I do have left either lied to get me to bring the presents (since I'm the only one who has any) or just because that's my family......dishonest assholes. I may be a bitch and harsh but I guarantee you I wont lie to you. I try to help everyone out to make this easy for them only to find out they are manipulative liars. awesome.

I miss my mom, none of this would happen if she was still here.

3 months today...

Today they said the world was going to end....it didn't but it is also a reminder of my world ending. 3  months she has been gone today. I woke up crying, had trouble sleeping last night and when I opened the curtains down stairs there was this HUGE white bird on our little lake / pond. I have never seen a bird that big here much less up close. I know it was my mom letting me know in the biggest way that she is here watching me. I just can't tell what she wants me to do.

I have been having the worst few days, my eyes are swollen and my face is a mess and I haven't gotten out of my pajamas in days. I am, on every level, overwhelmed. I miss her and I feel like I need to do what she would want but then I counter that with....she would just want me to be happy. I am not sure what would even make me happy right now because I am so emotional. I keep thinking if I don't do what she would want she will be upset with me. When I think no matter what I do she isn't coming back its a harsh reality that no matter what I choose I have to know she would support me because I will never know any different.

My skin looks horrible, my hair is falling out, even my eye lashes are falling out. Eric says its from the stress and crying everyday for 3 months I'm sure adds to the stress. I am trying.... I just want me mom back.

I miss you.

I am sad. I want my mom back. I don't feel like myself anymore.

twelve weeks

I am still crying multiple times everyday. Saying I miss her is a gross understatement. Today waking up I hear on the news of a shooting at an elementary school they say 27 dead and mostly children, They showed a picture of a mom on her cell phone and the look on her face I am all too familiar with. The actual moment and feeling of your heart breaking. Made me burst into tears seeing that, My heart goes out to those families.

It made think of the way my mom used to brush the hair out of Heidi's eyes and straighten her clothes. She is the best Grandma and mom and I know she is in heaven comforting those innocent little children. She loved kids and I know they are being taken care of.

I have been trying to keep busy and do more everyday. It helps me not dwell on how much this hurts but little things will break me down. I am trying to focus on the fact that I know she is relaxed and relieved. She didn't deserve the stress she had here on earth and as much as I selfishly still want her here she deserves to be happy even if it means it's without me.

I am trying to make changes. I am cutting people out of my life who have no reason to be here. You are either genuine and kind and want the best for me and I want the best for you or you're out. I want to love my friends and I want to feel loved by them. I feel very lonely and I am going to get rid of the empty company around me.

I'm lonely. But I want to be left alone.

They say you can never know true happiness until you have seen the Deepest of Darks. What if you never find your way out of the dark? What if your happiness died with your loved one? My mom....the only person in the world who knows me probably better than I know myself. Now she is gone. She can't remind me who I am or dust me off and kiss it all better. Like all the history of my life just got burned in a fire. My mom made me. I am proud of who I am but I feel like I have lost that right now. She always reminded me of what I have going for me, How strong I am, everything she would say would echo in my soul and cheer me up. I could remember and say it to myself but it doesn't mean the same.

I know my mom wouldn't want me to feel sad or alone or lost. But it's like when someone kicks you in the face and says "I didn't mean to hurt you". Doesn't change the pain. I know she didn't do this to hurt us, she didn't mean to die.

I ordered a dress online for the wedding. I got it in the mail on Saturday. It's a piece of shit. horribly made, seams don't match up, loose threads everywhere. I cried my head off. Not because of the dress but because the one person I would call in the situation is my mom and she would tell me not to worry about it and just return it and we will find another. I have no one to go dress shopping with, Eric offered....but I just want my mom. It was a dress she had said was "darling" and I wanted to have a dress she saw and liked. Eric keeps reminding me she see's everything I see now and she will send me signs if she doesn't think something it right.

I just don't want to let her down.

You are the Love of my heart

Couple nights ago I had a dream I was freaking out running around, panicking, looking for a little brown cat. I saw my mom and I started to yell at her "where is the cat?" "What happened to it?" She was her normal calm gentle self and looked me right in the eyes and said "You are the love of my heart" I just stared at her for a bit thinking, even though I was yelling at her she still loves me. I woke up hysterically crying all i wanted to do was call my mom. her eyes were really her eyes....they were so real. It felt so real.

When I was younger I would have dreams that she died and I would wake up screaming crying and either yell "MOM!" or run into her room and wake up frantically and tell her I had a dream she died and she would say "It's OK, I am not going to die, I am right here" and put me back to beg. I would make her promise not to die before she left my room. I wanted so badly to call her and tell her about my dream and her to say everything is OK and she is fine.

Eric said "Your mom was sending you a message telling you she loves you so matter what" and not to be sad but be happy she visited you. I am not mad she came or upset I am sad because I want it to be real so bad.

Everything I can relate to her, everything in my life reminds me of something to do with her. I miss her so much it physically hurts. This pain is never ending. I am a fixer and I can't fix something that is torturing me....makes me so mad. I am overwhelmed.

10 fucking weeks

I would scream until my lungs bled if I thought God would hear me and give you back. I'd give everything I have....

Always alone.

I always felt like if I went missing no one would look for me except my mom. She would notice I was gone, she would miss me and she would look for me. Walking through crowds I feel like I could suddenly vanish into thin air and no one would notice, flinch or even skip a beat. No one would even take the time to notice I was gone much less try to find me.

Does she know what happened? When her soul left her body did she see what had happened? Did she feel guilty? Did she feel sad? Did they show her the play by play in heaven? Or did she wake up in heaven and forget it all? Eric says when her soul left her body she saw what happened. Did she feel abandoned? Does she feel any pain?

Did it take this for her to be able to see how loved she is? To see how much she meant to all of us? Even though she always felt like she wasn't as amazing as we all told her she is. I miss the way when you walked in the door she was come out of the kitchen and jump up and down smiling and giggling so happy to see you. I miss her smell, the way her hands feel in mine, the way she always made me feel better.

Life isn't about money. It's about love. You can die tomorrow with all the money in the world and you can't take it with you and no one will remember you just how much money you had and who has it now. Love.....Love doesn't end, it doesn't die with death....it amplifies. Love is forever even after your heart stops beating. Love is part of your character, your entire being, even when I die and meet my mom again the love will only be stronger. It never goes away.

Bruised

The book I am reading about grieving repeatedly tells me how much I need to journal my thoughts and feelings. I get even tired of typing this shit out because I feel like it is the same circle of depression and I'm sure the two people who actually read this blog are extremely exhausted of reading it....imagine how exhausted I am of living it!

I woke up crying today and stayed in bed for about 2 hours after waking up just staring at suns reflection off the water onto the wall dance around. I want to say I feel numb but if I was numb I wouldn't have this pain and I probably wouldn't be able to cry so much. I think I am numb toward the rest of life maybe because all my emotions are focused on this event.

I normally freak out on unexpected bills and panic to make the funds and since she died I just don't fucking care. I don't care about money or how much I don't have. I have three GIANT bills sitting next to my laptop and I don't care I don't even have the motivation to go upstairs and find my check book.

I read something in my book this morning that says to steer clear of company that doesn't make you feel at peace or better. "you are too bruised to be around bruising company" to be exact. What if the person that pissed you off the most and says things that make you feel worse is family? So you can't not talk to them because they are hurting right now too? Like sacrificing yourself for the good of someone who enjoys the look of pain?

I know how my mom felt, I know how she was anxious all the time and wanted to hide out. Not having the confidence in your own emotional stability to be able to be out in the world for any length of time without breaks for fear of losing your footing. I am so there right now and it makes me sad to think she was there most of the time. I always tried to be more confident then I normally am when I was around her to try to give her a feeling that she was going to be fine and I would take care of everything. She was the only person who I could be that person for. I would like to be that person for myself but I guess that is another hill for another day.

I am always uncomfortable...

I am not myself and I can't shake this feeling or even motivate myself there fore I am entirely uncomfortable. I had my dad over for Thanksgiving and it went pretty smooth......he always picks on me and pokes fun at me and my mom was the one who always told him not to so Thanksgiving was tough knowing my mom should be there and sticking up for me. Never the less I am glad its over but I am also glad Eric & my dad had a nice time and watched football together. All the food was good as well. Of course the minute he left I broke down crying my head off, not because of him but just because this sucks without my mom. I didn't want to break down in front of him and set him off as well.

Wedding date is getting closer.....I still have done nothing. It seems like every time I try I just get instant shut down by my own emotions. I want it to be over with but I also don't want to do it at all anymore. I miss my mom so much, I still cry everyday multiple times a day. Everything reminds me of her and I now think of things in contexts of  it either happened "when my mom was still alive" or "my mom didn't get to see that" and if I see a date in Sept 2012 I think "oh that was 15 days before she died,..I wish I could have know then that I only had 2 weeks with her" or something stupid it seems like my mind is tormenting itself.

I am trying to be OK and it doesn't seem to be working so great. It is the worst feeling knowing this is never going to go away. Things are not going to go back to normal, she is not coming back. 

Thanksgiving.

It is hard to be thankful for things when I feel like this. I want my mom.....

8 weeks...

8 weeks today and I still keep hoping everything will go back to normal. When I was younger I used to wake up in the middle of the night crying and either scream "Mom" or run into her room and wake her and tell her I had a dream she died. She would always hug me and comfort me and say "it's OK ...I am here, I'm not going anywhere" I feel like this has been a never ending nightmare and I can't find her to wake her up.

I miss her, I would go back to even the worst day as long as she was still there.

I bought Thanksgiving food last night at the grocery store. I am going to have my dad come over and help Eric & I prepare it. Breaks my heart my mom wont be there and it wont be like normal. I am trying my hardest to make sure we are all doing the best we can right now but half the time I can't even get up off the floor. I am exhausted.

...

it hasn't gotten easier. I feel like there is no point to life...and nothing matters anymore. Inside I want to be happy that "sounds nice" but also seems impossible. I have also begun to HATE people. They don't understand what I am going through and probably don't even care. Some of my "best friend" I couldn't care if they ever talk to me again because they are selfish fucking assholes. Maybe when they have to face this they will think "oh shit I should have been nicer or more understanding to Wendy when she was going through this". Even family members haven't checked up to see how we are doing....

I am trying to plan things for my family to get together and stay strong and be there for each other but it is hard for me even to enjoy it or crack a smile, I just feel like it's a chore sometimes. When it's over I go straight to bed and sleep. I am always exhausted. I hate this and I can't control it.

I got nothin.

   Well....what can I say that I haven't said. I miss my mom like I would miss air. I still cry every single day multiple times. I am avoiding "gatherings" and places where there are a lot of people because anything can set me off into hysterically crying. Lately I have had about 2-3 times a day I can feel my heart start pounding really fast and I get really light headed......literally when I am doing nothing. It feels like I am gonna have a heart attack, sometimes my vision gets blurry. People say you experience intense anxiety when grieving but I have anxiety in normal life and it doesn't feel like an anxiety attack. I end up having to lay down or sit down.

I keep getting e-mails from Theknot.com saying "3 months to go" and yesterday I started to try to think about it and get a plan going and I just start crying. I am supposed to be having memories of dress fittings and cake tasting with my mom and instead I am dead inside. I don't want a wedding, I want my mom. Uggh!

I hate answering my phone. I hate making plans because I don't know how I am going to feel when the time does come to do the plans. I feel like I am supposed to spend time with all these people who want to hang out because my mom died and I don't want to. My favorite spot is sitting in the closet. I bought her a daily prayer book 2 Christmas' ago and I have it and try to read it everyday. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it pisses me off. I miss everything. I look at pictures of Eric & I and i think instantly "oh that was when she was still alive" and I wish with everything I could go back to any moment in time before she died and save her. I want to talk to her and her talk back. I want to hug her and hold her hand. I want everything back.

6 weeks

I am never going to be OK with her being gone. I am never going to "get over" the fact that she isn't here anymore. Maybe one day it will become bare able enough so I can function properly and get through my days without losing my mind but I am not there yet. Not even close.

Yesterday was a bad day. I cried 90% of the day and today my face is completely broken out and swollen. Yay for life. I finally get got to talk to my dad, his phone has been shut off for 10 days which didn't help my stress level. It was nice to talk to him but also certain things he said really bothered me for the rest of my day even onto today. I had a nice "Kodak" conversation with my sister and let her know how I felt though out the years and I apologized for being such a Bitch to her when we were younger. She apologized & thanked me for taking care of my mom and not involving her the last few years and said sorry I had to deal with that alone. It felt good to know she saw that. I have been very resentful of that fact that I was always the only one there for her and I know that was my choice and I wouldn't change it even now but makes it harder to deal with her death because all I can think is "I should have been there" and I have a lot of guilt for that. I know I will never get the answers I want or the reassurance from my mom that I didn't let her down and she isn't upset with me for not being there. That is something I am going to have to come to peace with myself about and I don't think I can do that right now or anytime soon.

Everyday I think of things I want to get done and then once I sit up in bed ready to touch my feet to the carpet all  my motivation is gone. It takes me forever just to get down stairs and even longer to start moving and doing things. I keep thinking about my wedding its 3 months away (the date we have reserved) but I really don't see it coming together mostly because I need help and I'm still a wreck who can't focus for long. My friend Vanessa who offered help got in a bad accident herself and I am sure isn't too up to doing as much anymore so I kinda don't know where to go from here or what to do. I still don't know how I could get through it without my mom there. I feel like with everything in my life since she died I am just scared in a corner stuck in square one.

FUCK

I just want my mom.

November.....

I can't believe it's November already. When I think she has been gone for over a month it blows my mind. I keep thinking this isn't real and it will be over soon. Last night was Halloween and I went to my sisters house to see her kids get dressed up and help out a bit. Her in-laws were there who are very nice people. My sister was wearing one of my moms tops , the exact top I saw my mom in at my sister house for my nieces birthday it made me get misty eyed. The kids were so excited to get dressed up my nephew was a bat and he looked amazing, my oldest niece was a butterfly and it was chilly out so she had her pink warm jacket on with her costume and I had to hold it in seeing her smile all big wearing that jacket because my mom bought that for her and I remember my mom being so excited for Stacy to see the warm jackets she got the kids. They went trick or treating and we stayed behind with my youngest niece and she was playing with this large multi-toy play set my mom looked everywhere to find for them and Their great grandma from their dads side said "your mom and dad got this toy for the kids and it is just the best perfect toy, she plays with it all day" That was tough to hold in my tears.

Seeing my oldest niece smiling in that jacket and dragging around her candy bag so excited I couldn't help but think "My mom would love this" she would get such a kick out of seeing this. When we left Eric said "your mom was there I know it she was smiling and laughing with us" of course I broke down and cried a bit. I feel guilty for making new memories or things like that happening without her. I don't want to forget her or make memories without her in them. I know its unavoidable but I feel wrong doing it. I miss her so much. I want her back so bad....

5 weeks.

I miss my mom, yea nothing new there. Already cried 3 times and its not even noon yet. Yayy for life. I am entirely unmotivated. I had a hair appointment this morning but I cancelled it because I took my mom to that salon and got her hair cut & styled for mothers day and I didn't want to have to talk about it with my stylist. Everyone keeps saying "treat yourself" "do something nice for yourself" all i feel like doing is punishing myself for not being there for my mom more. I know my mom would say "don't worry about something you have no control over" and I know I can't do anything about her being gone and I know wanting her back is selfish but I can't help it.

This morning when I looked at her picture I normally burst into tears but today I smiled at her and said "Hi Mimi" kissed it and then! burst into tears.....maybe that is progress I have no idea. When we were little my Grandma used to call us when bad things would happen and say everything would be OK and my mom will be fine and its been years since that has happened and I keep thinking I wish she was still alive to do that, but she is probably telling my mom that in heaven. People don't reach out much anymore to see how I am doing I feel like when I go out in public people can tell. I feel like walking wounded.....like a zombie. I don't try to do my hair cute or look cute or fuck even wear make up half the time. I just don't care.

Having a hard time accepting....

Acceptance of a death.....seems a bit contradictory, you don;t have a choice or say in the matter. It's not like I can contest it and appeal it. I woke up this morning (like every morning) opening my eyes hugging the bunny my mom sewed me when I was little and look at the sun beams on the ceiling and walls dancing from the reflection of the water outside and I say out loud "I miss you momma" and burst into tears. I have no idea what "stage of grieving" I am in but I still can't imagine her not coming back....ever.

When I was younger I used to lay in the floor and stare at the ceiling and think about being dead, I would imagine what it would feel like if there was no more me. I would get this horrible empty feeling inside to the point where i would cry because it was so scary. I feel that feeling in my stomach all the time now. The first thing I saw this morning when I turned on my computer was an article about "proof of heaven" I read it and it actually made me feel happy for my mom that she get relief and freedom. The article was promoting a news show about it and the author link here neuroscientist-sees-proof-heaven  I don't know where heaven is but I know my mom is there with my Grandma and Great grandma.

My mom is my everything, I still think all the time "I just wanna call her" or ask her advice on things. I am so fucking sad. I don't see myself ever being OK that she isn't here or ever not being sad. I think about all the things she has been through and I know she is in a better place and would want me to find peace in that but I want my mom back. I know its selfish of me to want her back here where she wasn't happy but I don't know how to find happiness when my whole heart is gone. I am not myself anymore.

My new hobby is crying...

I woke up crying this morning seems to be the norm now. My dad came back from work yesterday because he isn't OK yet which is understandable. I noticed when going to pick him up and bringing him home then driving home myself I go from being sullen and sad to angry and impatient very fast for no reason really. I almost wish someone would come along and piss me off so I could just beat the shit out them....I want to punch and kick and and get all my aggression out even though it wont bring her back or probably not make me feel better its just what i want to do.

Everything reminds me of my mom...and I am constantly thinking about her and how I wish I could change things, make things better. I found an e-mail from her where I told her I was scared to be far away from her because I wanted her to be able to call me if she ever needed me and I miss her. She replied by saying "don't be scared, you are always there for me but please don't worry about me, I am OK" I feel like that is what she would say to me now if she could....I hate that I wasn't there and I know I need to forgive myself and find peace but right now I am just really mad at myself.

I know my mom had a lot of pain and inner turmoil her whole life and it ate her alive. I know she doesn't have that anymore and I am happy for her. I wish she realized when she was here she is THE BEST mom and made my sister and I who we are. I am not ashamed of anything and I am proud of her and who she made me. I hope if nothing else she feels that pride now. I wish I could have helped her more and made her happier.

These posts are probably all over the place and make no sense. Oh well...Miss you & love you mom so much. xoxo

I'm in hell...

It doesn't seem to be letting up. I broke down first thing this morning and numerous times today, My dad figured out her e-mail address password and I snooped around the sent mail and found some really good e-mail she sent me saying she loves me and one that really broke me down saying "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, YOU ARE THE BEST DAUGHTER IN THE WORLD" as good as it felt to read that it hurt even worse to know I can't hear her saying that to me. I miss her so much and I have no idea how to keep going without her.

I keep finding pennies on the floor and quarters and even dollars bills, Eric says its my mom giving me my favorite thing. Today I found another dollar on the floor along with a quart and a penny all in different places. I want to believe everything is her...I don't know if it is but it makes me feel good to think it is. I really hope she can see how amazing she is and how loved she is and will always be. I have never experienced such intense pain and sadness. People keep saying "you're so strong" and "you'll get through this"... This is strong? sobbing my head off constantly? I don't want to "get through this" I want my MOM! I want the life back I had with her here. I know if there was a way I could get her back I could....I want her bad enough and I am strong enough I could get her back if I just know how to do it.

I think if she had a choice now enjoying herself with my grandma is heaven to come back to be with us and be unhappy here I don't think she would come back....and it's selfish of me or my family to want to keep her here if she is happier where she is. She deserves to be happy and stress free. Even if it means we have to be in pain with out her. I miss you mom and love you so much....so so so fucking much. I am so emotionally unstable right now and I would give everything just for a hug from you.

One month

She passed on September 21, 2012. Today October 21, 2012 is exactly one month. I still every multiple times every day. Eric woke me up early and took  me to Disneyland to get my favorite coffee and a cinnamon bun for breakfast. Every mom I see I wanna cry...I keep finding pennies and even in the last week I found 3 dollar bills on the floor. My mom always said I would hoard money so I wonder if it is her giving me these things she thinks will make me smile a bit.

Eric's favorite ride is Star Tours so we decided to ride it and they pick a rider to be the "rebel spy" and neither of us have ever been the spy but today of all days. I was the rebel spy. I felt like my mom was trying to let me know its OK to have fun and enjoy myself and not to be sad. As the ride ended Eric turned to me and said "you're mom did that" of course it made me cry. I fluctuate from feeling overwhelmed with guilt for not being there more to feeling confident that I know she isn't mad at me and she loves me and I know she knows I love her. we left the park after about 2 hours I couldn't handle being around all those families and I was emotionally spent at that point anyways.

I miss her so so so so so much and I want her to be happy. I know she wants me to be happy but I literally am not able to be right now. I know I'm dehydrated from crying and not drinking or eating enough and my muscles are sore from doing nothing. All I want to do is sleep.

Fighting myself.

I feel like I am breaking down more and more often, I swear I cried all day yesterday. My cell phone bill have been double due to all the calls to family and planning the funeral, just calling T-mobile this morning and trying to change my plan to have more minutes they asked why I needed more minutes and I broke down, I have one less person I can talk to yet I need more minutes to console the lives left here.

I feel like I can barely breathe and may vomit all the time. It is interesting that people expect that after the funeral is over for you to just go back to normal. Are you insane? In history people wore black for years to show publicly they were grieving and it was honored and respected and they weren't expected to ever be "healed" again. When people call and ask "how are you?" or "whats wrong?" REALLY my mom died...do I need to say that over and over? or defend my feelings for still feeling it so strongly? It feels like since she left it has been one LONG hellish day. The funeral seems a long time ago but the pain is fresh and real.

I'm not scared of anything anymore, I don't feel nervous or worried. I feel just devastated and I don't give a fuck about anything. I used to pray every time i got in my car "Please god keep me safe and accident free, Please god keep everyone on the road around me safe and accident free" I did it so much it became a habit. I get in my car now and I start it out of habit "please god....." I got nothin.... "Please god.......just make sure my mom is happy" that's it. Someone give me a dirty look I will stare you down. Give me attitude and I will call you out. I am not afraid of anything anymore. You would think that would feel better then stress but its very empty and dead inside. I look forward to being my moms legacy and making her proud....but right now I am a casualty , shrapnel left after a life altering blow.

My Mind, Body & Soul are in Chaos.

It's been a little over 3 weeks since my mom passed away and oddly enough it has gotten emotionally worse I feel. I break down at least 3-6 times a day crying and all I can say is "I want my mom". I know she would kick my ass if she was here and saw me so sad. But I truly can't help it, I feel like me heart is gone totally gone, not broken, not hurting just gone, empty.

My sister and I went through her jewelry and clothes to separate and keep what reminded us of her the most. Needless to say I want everything from her hair brush to her pajamas. But then I don't want any of it because it's not her. I found some old reports and projects from school when I was younger she had kept. Even a letter I wrote to the tooth fairy asking for more quarters covered in pixie dust (glitter) she had kept. I also found two voice mails of her on my cell phone and in both of them she says "love you" at the end which of course made me cry uncontrollably but also felt really good to hear her voice saying those words to me. I had Eric record them onto the computer so I can keep them. It's like everything reminds me of her and everything breaks me down. I keep trying to remember she is happy now and free and I know she would be upset with me for being so sad and I don't want her to feel guilty for being gone. So i feel guilty for crying.

Some friends of mine have really stepped up and check on me a lot and send me love and then some who I thought would totally be there are fucking assholes. I still have no idea how I am ever going to be better or ever be truly happy again, but I know this is the hardest thing I WILL ever go through in my life and if I can figure out how to be happy again I know I will be invincible. Until then I am in the worst possible place.

WHAT THE HECK GOD!?!

So a little over a month after celebrating my mom's 60th birthday with her she suddenly passes away. I am shocked, crushed, lost and a total mess.

No illness, no signs of impending doom....like being hit by an 18 wheeler and dragged 100 miles under neath it and left to figure it out.

So wedding plans I am not sure anymore....I don't want to have a wedding without my mom there. I miss everything about her, I would literally give everything I have to gave her back. I am normally so straight forward thinking and on track and right now I am stupid, confused and utterly a huge miss. I feel like everything about my life suddenly lost all meaning and I don't care about anything anymore. I don't care if I have no friends, I don't care if I have no money, I don't care if I die....what is the point of life if I don't get to share it with my mom? what is the point of having fun or even trying if I can't tell her about it later?

You learn when someone close to you passes away how fucking stupid people are around you. People obviously have no idea what to say to you and they say the MOST inappropriate and fucked up shit! Being in this "I don't care mode" stupid people are actually therapeutic to me because I will rip them apart. I don't care if I ruin their self esteem or hurt their feelings....fuck them! I am is turbo protective mode of my family right now and I dare you to fuck with me. I am teetering between anger , denial and the deepest sadness imaginable. I missed a wedding and my 10 year high school reunion and I really do not care.

I feel guilty when I smile, I feel guilty I wasn't there for her more. I know she is happier and relieved of all her stress and pain, but I feel left behind. I feel cheated on time I should have had with her, I do take comfort in knowing she is with her mom now in heaven and I KNOW she knows I love her, no question. I also know if she could say anything to me she would say "Don't you dare feel guilty or bad , this is not your fault and has nothing to do with you" and "I love you so much you are my heart" and even knowing that I still can't stop feeling like I could have done something.....

Where does my life go from here? What am I supposed to do without her? Why did she have to die? I am a wreck and all I keep saying is "I want my mom".

More and More in my life I am seeing people be assholes. Does anyone ever stop to think "Am I being a good person? Am I hurting someone else?" I think and consider people constantly, even to the point of guilt if I feel that I could have done a better job considering someone's feelings.

It seems like all the spoiled or rich kids in high school have grown up to be losers. Odd. They have no motivation to better themselves or the world around them yet feel entitled to everything and have an ego with no intelligence or life experience to back. I am a red head so I have NO problem speaking my mind to someone who I think needs a good sense of reality. But Its so frustrating dealing with these people who pretend to be whatever they think you want then to be just to get what they want from you. I know its a losing battle trying to get them to GROW UP. So that only makes my frustration more.

I am a true believer if you are doing nothing good for anyone else in life or your environment....sorry if this seems beyond harsh but you don't deserve life. You are a waste.

So in my recent life I am planning a wedding! OK I am thinking about planning a wedding. I have no idea where to start and all my girl friends (like 2) are either planning their own wedding or already married and do no want to re-live the chaos. So I guess we shall see how this pans out.

In other news my fiance told me I give great advice and I should allow people to submit life questions to my blog and seek advice. So if anyone reads this blog or feel inclined to ask me something I would love to give advice and maybe I can start posting the Q & A on here if submitters give permission.

More to come!

"Confront the problem, fight, win!".  Edna "E" Mode

This is a blog that is going to force me to be as vulnerable as I can possibly be. I keep my personal life personal unless you happen to witness it then I tend to feel the need to explain. So this is me being simply me. Enjoy...or beware...