Cried for a year

SO the day came and it sucked as bad as I thought it would. I woke up early trying to start a positive spin on it all, got a quick work out in and Eric & I headed to a coastal clean up event , one of my moms favorite places was the beach so we did it for her. Lots of trash and then Eric got called into work.....promised it would only take 3 hours......6 hours later.......I was pissed! I spent the first 3 hours trying to stay busy by laundry and cooking and cleaning. The last three hours laying in bed crying and on and off napping. Eric came home took me to dinner and tried to call me down.

I miss my mom, talked to her a lot and I feel bad she sees me crying so much. I feel like if I had gone to see her the day before I could have saved her. I also of course thought about my shitty family and how upset I am with them. And the realization that they really don't care that they hurt me because they don't even try to say shit to me.

I am not sure when this pain will get better but I am trying to make a positive out of her memory.

It's coming

The year anniversary since my world fell apart. I keep thinking it will all end and be OK that day but I know it wont. I asked Eric when he thought I would stop crying everyday and he said "never" and I asked why he said that and he responded "you are your mom were so close and I know how much she means to you, I don't think she will be out of your mind for a minute of the rest of your life" It makes me sad to think I will be sad forever. But I also know I am not as emotional as I was which is nice to be able to pseudo function and not worry about bursting into tears on the floor out of no where.

I know like every month that day comes....I relive it in my head and heart. The scenes come flooding back and I feel like I can't breathe. I can't believe it's been almost a year.....when the pain is still so fresh. I still get caught off guard remembering the funeral is over.

I have never been someone to hold onto

I miss her everyday. I cry everyday. I get so upset thinking how shitty people close to her were to her. Certain chords in songs makes me burst into tears. Yesterday I was making scrambled eggs for breakfast and it flashed to me how she would always say "That smells so good" and I will make extra for her even though she would always say she didn't want any she would eat it. I miss her all the time.

People have told me I push them away, I am easy to cut people off. But I could never turn my back on my mom. Even when she was making me so mad I still would never let go of her. I wonder if my sister would have done the same even half the time if it would have made a difference. I think it would have. She deserved so much better.