10 fucking weeks

I would scream until my lungs bled if I thought God would hear me and give you back. I'd give everything I have....

Always alone.

I always felt like if I went missing no one would look for me except my mom. She would notice I was gone, she would miss me and she would look for me. Walking through crowds I feel like I could suddenly vanish into thin air and no one would notice, flinch or even skip a beat. No one would even take the time to notice I was gone much less try to find me.

Does she know what happened? When her soul left her body did she see what had happened? Did she feel guilty? Did she feel sad? Did they show her the play by play in heaven? Or did she wake up in heaven and forget it all? Eric says when her soul left her body she saw what happened. Did she feel abandoned? Does she feel any pain?

Did it take this for her to be able to see how loved she is? To see how much she meant to all of us? Even though she always felt like she wasn't as amazing as we all told her she is. I miss the way when you walked in the door she was come out of the kitchen and jump up and down smiling and giggling so happy to see you. I miss her smell, the way her hands feel in mine, the way she always made me feel better.

Life isn't about money. It's about love. You can die tomorrow with all the money in the world and you can't take it with you and no one will remember you just how much money you had and who has it now. Love.....Love doesn't end, it doesn't die with death....it amplifies. Love is forever even after your heart stops beating. Love is part of your character, your entire being, even when I die and meet my mom again the love will only be stronger. It never goes away.

Bruised

The book I am reading about grieving repeatedly tells me how much I need to journal my thoughts and feelings. I get even tired of typing this shit out because I feel like it is the same circle of depression and I'm sure the two people who actually read this blog are extremely exhausted of reading it....imagine how exhausted I am of living it!

I woke up crying today and stayed in bed for about 2 hours after waking up just staring at suns reflection off the water onto the wall dance around. I want to say I feel numb but if I was numb I wouldn't have this pain and I probably wouldn't be able to cry so much. I think I am numb toward the rest of life maybe because all my emotions are focused on this event.

I normally freak out on unexpected bills and panic to make the funds and since she died I just don't fucking care. I don't care about money or how much I don't have. I have three GIANT bills sitting next to my laptop and I don't care I don't even have the motivation to go upstairs and find my check book.

I read something in my book this morning that says to steer clear of company that doesn't make you feel at peace or better. "you are too bruised to be around bruising company" to be exact. What if the person that pissed you off the most and says things that make you feel worse is family? So you can't not talk to them because they are hurting right now too? Like sacrificing yourself for the good of someone who enjoys the look of pain?

I know how my mom felt, I know how she was anxious all the time and wanted to hide out. Not having the confidence in your own emotional stability to be able to be out in the world for any length of time without breaks for fear of losing your footing. I am so there right now and it makes me sad to think she was there most of the time. I always tried to be more confident then I normally am when I was around her to try to give her a feeling that she was going to be fine and I would take care of everything. She was the only person who I could be that person for. I would like to be that person for myself but I guess that is another hill for another day.

I am always uncomfortable...

I am not myself and I can't shake this feeling or even motivate myself there fore I am entirely uncomfortable. I had my dad over for Thanksgiving and it went pretty smooth......he always picks on me and pokes fun at me and my mom was the one who always told him not to so Thanksgiving was tough knowing my mom should be there and sticking up for me. Never the less I am glad its over but I am also glad Eric & my dad had a nice time and watched football together. All the food was good as well. Of course the minute he left I broke down crying my head off, not because of him but just because this sucks without my mom. I didn't want to break down in front of him and set him off as well.

Wedding date is getting closer.....I still have done nothing. It seems like every time I try I just get instant shut down by my own emotions. I want it to be over with but I also don't want to do it at all anymore. I miss my mom so much, I still cry everyday multiple times a day. Everything reminds me of her and I now think of things in contexts of  it either happened "when my mom was still alive" or "my mom didn't get to see that" and if I see a date in Sept 2012 I think "oh that was 15 days before she died,..I wish I could have know then that I only had 2 weeks with her" or something stupid it seems like my mind is tormenting itself.

I am trying to be OK and it doesn't seem to be working so great. It is the worst feeling knowing this is never going to go away. Things are not going to go back to normal, she is not coming back. 

Thanksgiving.

It is hard to be thankful for things when I feel like this. I want my mom.....

8 weeks...

8 weeks today and I still keep hoping everything will go back to normal. When I was younger I used to wake up in the middle of the night crying and either scream "Mom" or run into her room and wake her and tell her I had a dream she died. She would always hug me and comfort me and say "it's OK ...I am here, I'm not going anywhere" I feel like this has been a never ending nightmare and I can't find her to wake her up.

I miss her, I would go back to even the worst day as long as she was still there.

I bought Thanksgiving food last night at the grocery store. I am going to have my dad come over and help Eric & I prepare it. Breaks my heart my mom wont be there and it wont be like normal. I am trying my hardest to make sure we are all doing the best we can right now but half the time I can't even get up off the floor. I am exhausted.

...

it hasn't gotten easier. I feel like there is no point to life...and nothing matters anymore. Inside I want to be happy that "sounds nice" but also seems impossible. I have also begun to HATE people. They don't understand what I am going through and probably don't even care. Some of my "best friend" I couldn't care if they ever talk to me again because they are selfish fucking assholes. Maybe when they have to face this they will think "oh shit I should have been nicer or more understanding to Wendy when she was going through this". Even family members haven't checked up to see how we are doing....

I am trying to plan things for my family to get together and stay strong and be there for each other but it is hard for me even to enjoy it or crack a smile, I just feel like it's a chore sometimes. When it's over I go straight to bed and sleep. I am always exhausted. I hate this and I can't control it.

I got nothin.

   Well....what can I say that I haven't said. I miss my mom like I would miss air. I still cry every single day multiple times. I am avoiding "gatherings" and places where there are a lot of people because anything can set me off into hysterically crying. Lately I have had about 2-3 times a day I can feel my heart start pounding really fast and I get really light headed......literally when I am doing nothing. It feels like I am gonna have a heart attack, sometimes my vision gets blurry. People say you experience intense anxiety when grieving but I have anxiety in normal life and it doesn't feel like an anxiety attack. I end up having to lay down or sit down.

I keep getting e-mails from Theknot.com saying "3 months to go" and yesterday I started to try to think about it and get a plan going and I just start crying. I am supposed to be having memories of dress fittings and cake tasting with my mom and instead I am dead inside. I don't want a wedding, I want my mom. Uggh!

I hate answering my phone. I hate making plans because I don't know how I am going to feel when the time does come to do the plans. I feel like I am supposed to spend time with all these people who want to hang out because my mom died and I don't want to. My favorite spot is sitting in the closet. I bought her a daily prayer book 2 Christmas' ago and I have it and try to read it everyday. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it pisses me off. I miss everything. I look at pictures of Eric & I and i think instantly "oh that was when she was still alive" and I wish with everything I could go back to any moment in time before she died and save her. I want to talk to her and her talk back. I want to hug her and hold her hand. I want everything back.

6 weeks

I am never going to be OK with her being gone. I am never going to "get over" the fact that she isn't here anymore. Maybe one day it will become bare able enough so I can function properly and get through my days without losing my mind but I am not there yet. Not even close.

Yesterday was a bad day. I cried 90% of the day and today my face is completely broken out and swollen. Yay for life. I finally get got to talk to my dad, his phone has been shut off for 10 days which didn't help my stress level. It was nice to talk to him but also certain things he said really bothered me for the rest of my day even onto today. I had a nice "Kodak" conversation with my sister and let her know how I felt though out the years and I apologized for being such a Bitch to her when we were younger. She apologized & thanked me for taking care of my mom and not involving her the last few years and said sorry I had to deal with that alone. It felt good to know she saw that. I have been very resentful of that fact that I was always the only one there for her and I know that was my choice and I wouldn't change it even now but makes it harder to deal with her death because all I can think is "I should have been there" and I have a lot of guilt for that. I know I will never get the answers I want or the reassurance from my mom that I didn't let her down and she isn't upset with me for not being there. That is something I am going to have to come to peace with myself about and I don't think I can do that right now or anytime soon.

Everyday I think of things I want to get done and then once I sit up in bed ready to touch my feet to the carpet all  my motivation is gone. It takes me forever just to get down stairs and even longer to start moving and doing things. I keep thinking about my wedding its 3 months away (the date we have reserved) but I really don't see it coming together mostly because I need help and I'm still a wreck who can't focus for long. My friend Vanessa who offered help got in a bad accident herself and I am sure isn't too up to doing as much anymore so I kinda don't know where to go from here or what to do. I still don't know how I could get through it without my mom there. I feel like with everything in my life since she died I am just scared in a corner stuck in square one.

FUCK

I just want my mom.

November.....

I can't believe it's November already. When I think she has been gone for over a month it blows my mind. I keep thinking this isn't real and it will be over soon. Last night was Halloween and I went to my sisters house to see her kids get dressed up and help out a bit. Her in-laws were there who are very nice people. My sister was wearing one of my moms tops , the exact top I saw my mom in at my sister house for my nieces birthday it made me get misty eyed. The kids were so excited to get dressed up my nephew was a bat and he looked amazing, my oldest niece was a butterfly and it was chilly out so she had her pink warm jacket on with her costume and I had to hold it in seeing her smile all big wearing that jacket because my mom bought that for her and I remember my mom being so excited for Stacy to see the warm jackets she got the kids. They went trick or treating and we stayed behind with my youngest niece and she was playing with this large multi-toy play set my mom looked everywhere to find for them and Their great grandma from their dads side said "your mom and dad got this toy for the kids and it is just the best perfect toy, she plays with it all day" That was tough to hold in my tears.

Seeing my oldest niece smiling in that jacket and dragging around her candy bag so excited I couldn't help but think "My mom would love this" she would get such a kick out of seeing this. When we left Eric said "your mom was there I know it she was smiling and laughing with us" of course I broke down and cried a bit. I feel guilty for making new memories or things like that happening without her. I don't want to forget her or make memories without her in them. I know its unavoidable but I feel wrong doing it. I miss her so much. I want her back so bad....