We never get over it. we only learn to cope

I haven't learned to cope yet. I miss her, everyday, every minute. I talk to her every morning and I apologize to her for not being there, followed by what I know she would say to me back. I use the same coffee creamer she does so my coffee tastes like my moms coffee. Yesterday Eric brought home a piece of the newspaper a section from their recipe booklet inside called "Relish" with a recipe for red velvet brownies. I broke down really hard because my mom used to leave the "Relish" portion of the paper on my bed for me because it was full of recipes and food coupons. On Sunday we went to Home Depot and into the garden section and I started crying (quietly of course) because I remember going there with my mom and I would hold her purse so she could look at plants and grab things and when she found something she liked I would carry it well. I always wanted her to be the least stressed out she could be. As you can clearly tell....everything reminds me of her.

In other life news, We finished and mailed out our wedding announcements and are done with any wedding related poo. I am happy its done. I hope my mom would be happy and not upset that we didn't have it because of her. I know in my heart she would want me to do whatever is less stressful for me. I am trying to be more outgoing instead of a hermit. I have been doing small errands on my own here and there which makes me feel really accomplished. I do miss my friends. My friend Michelle has come to visit me a few times in the last month which is so sweet of her. Its tough meeting new adult friends.

I am still not talking to my dad although he sent me a text saying "I know I said some mean things the last time we spoke, sorry about that". Oh well then, that makes it all better....NO! I still don't have the energy to deal with that whole thing. I just need time to focus on myself and my life. I have been feeling very lucky for Eric, he has been super supportive through all of my moods and retardations. I am trying to do more things that show him how much I appreciate him, its hard when I'm so emotionally unstable.