My heart knows before my head.

Today is exactly 5 months. I woke up this morning from a dead sleep last night (whiplash acting up so I took a Soma) 6:30am and commence immediate sobbing. Staring at the ceiling talking to her, Telling her how much I miss her and how excruciating this is to live through. Telling her how amazing she is and will always be and no matter what I know she would never do this intensionally. If I believed she could feel negative feelings she would feel guilt for dying and making us hurt. As much pain and unhappiness as she was in she would have suffered until the ends of days just for us, and I know that. I told her if she does feel anything feel relaxed and happy, and no one is mad at her. I know my relationship with my mom was something I will never have with anyone else and she never had with anyone else. I KNOW she knows I LOVE her. I know that.

I spent a good hour crying and talking to her and got up and realized "today is 5 months" everyday I cry but every time it is a month further down this painful road I wake up in the middle of the night crying or first thing in the morning. Before my mind knows it....my heart knows it. My heart cries first. Every time I cry I think my mom would say "I wish you wouldn't cry" or how she was always so apologetic if she ever felt that she hurt anyone and say "I am so sorry, so so sorry" She would always cry while apologizing because she felt that bad, she didn't have it in her to be mean. Then I in turn feel guilty for crying, I don't want her looking down on me and thinking "OK Wendy enough" or "Oh my gosh I broke her" I hope she just feels missed and loved.

In other news. We sent out our announcements and as excited as I was to get the whole thing done with, the realization that no one gives a shit sets in. People don't even tell me they got it, no gifts have come from my side of the family at all and very few from Eric's. It makes me feel like I don't have anyone except Eric who really loves or supports me. I expected friends and family to want to send anything a fucking card to show support and love for us. I want to call and cry to my mom about how hurt it feels that no one even cares. I would give anything to hear her console me. I am just beat down.