My heart knows before my head.

Today is exactly 5 months. I woke up this morning from a dead sleep last night (whiplash acting up so I took a Soma) 6:30am and commence immediate sobbing. Staring at the ceiling talking to her, Telling her how much I miss her and how excruciating this is to live through. Telling her how amazing she is and will always be and no matter what I know she would never do this intensionally. If I believed she could feel negative feelings she would feel guilt for dying and making us hurt. As much pain and unhappiness as she was in she would have suffered until the ends of days just for us, and I know that. I told her if she does feel anything feel relaxed and happy, and no one is mad at her. I know my relationship with my mom was something I will never have with anyone else and she never had with anyone else. I KNOW she knows I LOVE her. I know that.

I spent a good hour crying and talking to her and got up and realized "today is 5 months" everyday I cry but every time it is a month further down this painful road I wake up in the middle of the night crying or first thing in the morning. Before my mind knows it....my heart knows it. My heart cries first. Every time I cry I think my mom would say "I wish you wouldn't cry" or how she was always so apologetic if she ever felt that she hurt anyone and say "I am so sorry, so so sorry" She would always cry while apologizing because she felt that bad, she didn't have it in her to be mean. Then I in turn feel guilty for crying, I don't want her looking down on me and thinking "OK Wendy enough" or "Oh my gosh I broke her" I hope she just feels missed and loved.

In other news. We sent out our announcements and as excited as I was to get the whole thing done with, the realization that no one gives a shit sets in. People don't even tell me they got it, no gifts have come from my side of the family at all and very few from Eric's. It makes me feel like I don't have anyone except Eric who really loves or supports me. I expected friends and family to want to send anything a fucking card to show support and love for us. I want to call and cry to my mom about how hurt it feels that no one even cares. I would give anything to hear her console me. I am just beat down.

We never get over it. we only learn to cope

I haven't learned to cope yet. I miss her, everyday, every minute. I talk to her every morning and I apologize to her for not being there, followed by what I know she would say to me back. I use the same coffee creamer she does so my coffee tastes like my moms coffee. Yesterday Eric brought home a piece of the newspaper a section from their recipe booklet inside called "Relish" with a recipe for red velvet brownies. I broke down really hard because my mom used to leave the "Relish" portion of the paper on my bed for me because it was full of recipes and food coupons. On Sunday we went to Home Depot and into the garden section and I started crying (quietly of course) because I remember going there with my mom and I would hold her purse so she could look at plants and grab things and when she found something she liked I would carry it well. I always wanted her to be the least stressed out she could be. As you can clearly tell....everything reminds me of her.

In other life news, We finished and mailed out our wedding announcements and are done with any wedding related poo. I am happy its done. I hope my mom would be happy and not upset that we didn't have it because of her. I know in my heart she would want me to do whatever is less stressful for me. I am trying to be more outgoing instead of a hermit. I have been doing small errands on my own here and there which makes me feel really accomplished. I do miss my friends. My friend Michelle has come to visit me a few times in the last month which is so sweet of her. Its tough meeting new adult friends.

I am still not talking to my dad although he sent me a text saying "I know I said some mean things the last time we spoke, sorry about that". Oh well then, that makes it all better....NO! I still don't have the energy to deal with that whole thing. I just need time to focus on myself and my life. I have been feeling very lucky for Eric, he has been super supportive through all of my moods and retardations. I am trying to do more things that show him how much I appreciate him, its hard when I'm so emotionally unstable.