Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas Eve

well. Just as when my grandma died that was the first year the whole family didn't get together. Today we are supposed to get together my sister and her family and my dad. Only to find out yesterday that they let me jump though hoops and buy more gifts to cover my dads ass then I could afford only to find out they lied the whole time. So I am totally betrayed, sad, and so exhausted on every level I could sleep for days. I have boxes of presents with no receipts because who they fuck would think I would need to return them. The family I do have left either lied to get me to bring the presents (since I'm the only one who has any) or just because that's my family......dishonest assholes. I may be a bitch and harsh but I guarantee you I wont lie to you. I try to help everyone out to make this easy for them only to find out they are manipulative liars. awesome.

I miss my mom, none of this would happen if she was still here.

Friday, December 21, 2012

3 months today...

Today they said the world was going to end....it didn't but it is also a reminder of my world ending. 3  months she has been gone today. I woke up crying, had trouble sleeping last night and when I opened the curtains down stairs there was this HUGE white bird on our little lake / pond. I have never seen a bird that big here much less up close. I know it was my mom letting me know in the biggest way that she is here watching me. I just can't tell what she wants me to do.

I have been having the worst few days, my eyes are swollen and my face is a mess and I haven't gotten out of my pajamas in days. I am, on every level, overwhelmed. I miss her and I feel like I need to do what she would want but then I counter that with....she would just want me to be happy. I am not sure what would even make me happy right now because I am so emotional. I keep thinking if I don't do what she would want she will be upset with me. When I think no matter what I do she isn't coming back its a harsh reality that no matter what I choose I have to know she would support me because I will never know any different.

My skin looks horrible, my hair is falling out, even my eye lashes are falling out. Eric says its from the stress and crying everyday for 3 months I'm sure adds to the stress. I am trying.... I just want me mom back.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Friday, December 14, 2012

twelve weeks

I am still crying multiple times everyday. Saying I miss her is a gross understatement. Today waking up I hear on the news of a shooting at an elementary school they say 27 dead and mostly children, They showed a picture of a mom on her cell phone and the look on her face I am all too familiar with. The actual moment and feeling of your heart breaking. Made me burst into tears seeing that, My heart goes out to those families.

It made think of the way my mom used to brush the hair out of Heidi's eyes and straighten her clothes. She is the best Grandma and mom and I know she is in heaven comforting those innocent little children. She loved kids and I know they are being taken care of.

I have been trying to keep busy and do more everyday. It helps me not dwell on how much this hurts but little things will break me down. I am trying to focus on the fact that I know she is relaxed and relieved. She didn't deserve the stress she had here on earth and as much as I selfishly still want her here she deserves to be happy even if it means it's without me.

I am trying to make changes. I am cutting people out of my life who have no reason to be here. You are either genuine and kind and want the best for me and I want the best for you or you're out. I want to love my friends and I want to feel loved by them. I feel very lonely and I am going to get rid of the empty company around me.

Monday, December 10, 2012

I'm lonely. But I want to be left alone.

They say you can never know true happiness until you have seen the Deepest of Darks. What if you never find your way out of the dark? What if your happiness died with your loved one? My mom....the only person in the world who knows me probably better than I know myself. Now she is gone. She can't remind me who I am or dust me off and kiss it all better. Like all the history of my life just got burned in a fire. My mom made me. I am proud of who I am but I feel like I have lost that right now. She always reminded me of what I have going for me, How strong I am, everything she would say would echo in my soul and cheer me up. I could remember and say it to myself but it doesn't mean the same.

I know my mom wouldn't want me to feel sad or alone or lost. But it's like when someone kicks you in the face and says "I didn't mean to hurt you". Doesn't change the pain. I know she didn't do this to hurt us, she didn't mean to die.

I ordered a dress online for the wedding. I got it in the mail on Saturday. It's a piece of shit. horribly made, seams don't match up, loose threads everywhere. I cried my head off. Not because of the dress but because the one person I would call in the situation is my mom and she would tell me not to worry about it and just return it and we will find another. I have no one to go dress shopping with, Eric offered....but I just want my mom. It was a dress she had said was "darling" and I wanted to have a dress she saw and liked. Eric keeps reminding me she see's everything I see now and she will send me signs if she doesn't think something it right.

I just don't want to let her down.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

You are the Love of my heart

Couple nights ago I had a dream I was freaking out running around, panicking, looking for a little brown cat. I saw my mom and I started to yell at her "where is the cat?" "What happened to it?" She was her normal calm gentle self and looked me right in the eyes and said "You are the love of my heart" I just stared at her for a bit thinking, even though I was yelling at her she still loves me. I woke up hysterically crying all i wanted to do was call my mom. her eyes were really her eyes....they were so real. It felt so real.

When I was younger I would have dreams that she died and I would wake up screaming crying and either yell "MOM!" or run into her room and wake up frantically and tell her I had a dream she died and she would say "It's OK, I am not going to die, I am right here" and put me back to beg. I would make her promise not to die before she left my room. I wanted so badly to call her and tell her about my dream and her to say everything is OK and she is fine.

Eric said "Your mom was sending you a message telling you she loves you so matter what" and not to be sad but be happy she visited you. I am not mad she came or upset I am sad because I want it to be real so bad.

Everything I can relate to her, everything in my life reminds me of something to do with her. I miss her so much it physically hurts. This pain is never ending. I am a fixer and I can't fix something that is torturing me....makes me so mad. I am overwhelmed.