There is Unhappiness in me.

So the 7 month day has come and gone of course I cried like a bitch. Eric was in the studio all day so it was worse then normal with nothing to distract me I cleaned the entire house, made soup from scratch and tried to keep myself occupied but of course didn't work. Scrubbing the tub I burst into tears, vacuuming near the picture I have of her on the wall made me cry, using the Crock pot she game me to make the soup, etc etc etc etc. I donated 10 more trees in her name I hope that makes her happy. She used to ask me why I would save the yogurt tops (pink ones for breast cancer) and I would tell her all the ones you send in helps raise money for cancer and she would get the biggest smile and say "That's my girl". She would get all excited to tell me when she went to the store and when they ask you as you check out if you would like to donate to some cause , she would (it was programmed in her to say no) and she would be so proud of herself to tell me she did. Once they had you write your name on a heart and hung it around the store and she took me back and we looked all around the store for the heart she donated (we didn't find it) but she was so proud of herself, it was like overcoming an obstacle inside herself. So I want to keep donating for her because even though she didn't all the time she wanted to.

So in this book I bought it says not to identify yourself and who you are with your feelings or ego. So when you are sad or unhappy do not say "I am sad" or "I am unhappy" say there is unhappiness in me, it does not define who you are as a person. So I am trying to keep in mind even though I feel as though this pain has swallowed me whole and has become the future of my existence I need to remind myself it is not who I am. My mom made me and she did everything she could to make sure I wasn't unhappy and her dieing shouldn't invalidate all the work she did. I cry as I type that because I know that but it also doesn't change the pain and emptiness in my heart. I want to be better and happier and I plan to eventually but I know its a long road and there is no just going on with your life or going back to normal. Her being gone is a huge earthquake and shattered my world, now I have to rebuild and it can't be the same. FUCK!