Four Months

Four Months ago today I lost my best friend, the only person in the world who will ever know me that well, my mom. I have missed her everyday , every minute. I feel like I have lost my path in life. I was chuggin' along and then she died and I got so massive derailed. I see everything differently now from the people in my life to what really matters. I have changed from planning a wedding to just having a reception to calling the whole thing off. From trying to bring my family closer together to needing to distance myself from some of them.

I still don't feel normal or stable. Everything I do or think about goes back to her. I go from having overwhelming fear of life without her to not caring about anything. I know my relationship with my mom and I know she loves me and I know she knows I love her. It is painful to have friends come out of the wood work trying to "be there" for me and then bailing or not making the time or asking me to revolve around them. It goes to show that they really don't understand this pain and what their selfish games do. I go through spurts of wanting to make my mom so proud and then just wanting to lay on the floor all day. My mom knew this pain and I know she understands what I am going through and I don't want to be sad for fear her feeling guilty for it. I am not mad at her for leaving. I am frustrated I am not myself. But the people who expect me to be don't understand this.

I am doing the best I can. I will not do things I don't want to and I will not put up with people who I have to dread being around. I will do the things my mom was too scared to do and I will live so she can see life. One day I might freaking stop crying but for now I hope she see's my tears and feel honored that she is so missed.