Four Months

Four Months ago today I lost my best friend, the only person in the world who will ever know me that well, my mom. I have missed her everyday , every minute. I feel like I have lost my path in life. I was chuggin' along and then she died and I got so massive derailed. I see everything differently now from the people in my life to what really matters. I have changed from planning a wedding to just having a reception to calling the whole thing off. From trying to bring my family closer together to needing to distance myself from some of them.

I still don't feel normal or stable. Everything I do or think about goes back to her. I go from having overwhelming fear of life without her to not caring about anything. I know my relationship with my mom and I know she loves me and I know she knows I love her. It is painful to have friends come out of the wood work trying to "be there" for me and then bailing or not making the time or asking me to revolve around them. It goes to show that they really don't understand this pain and what their selfish games do. I go through spurts of wanting to make my mom so proud and then just wanting to lay on the floor all day. My mom knew this pain and I know she understands what I am going through and I don't want to be sad for fear her feeling guilty for it. I am not mad at her for leaving. I am frustrated I am not myself. But the people who expect me to be don't understand this.

I am doing the best I can. I will not do things I don't want to and I will not put up with people who I have to dread being around. I will do the things my mom was too scared to do and I will live so she can see life. One day I might freaking stop crying but for now I hope she see's my tears and feel honored that she is so missed.

Neutral

I feel like I am in neutral right now. I have been less stressed out not talking to my dad and Eric has been amazing and supportive. I am doing more like organizing and cleaning and catching up on things but I am also really scared to do too much more. I apply for jobs and then when they call to set up an interview I get super scared and don't return their calls. Fucking stupid and I don't know how to stop being a wuss.

Yesterday Eric and I went to Disneyland in the morning before football and we went on Indiana Jones and I was laughing and smiling on the ride and we were being silly and right as the ride comes back to where to started for us to depart. We were the second car waiting to get off and I went from happy to crying. Not because of the end of the ride but lately if I get too much of any emotion I get overwhelmed and start to break down. Which makes me scared if I go to an interview if I get too nervous I might get overwhelmed and just break down. I still cry everyday and I don't know when it will hit.

Eric keeps saying I'm in no rush and don't push it if  it doesn't need to be pushed. I feel antsy to be myself but I'm not still and its frustrating and I can't do anything about it right now. blah!

I feel kinda good today.

I am starting to get back to organizing things and cleaning a lot again. I hadn't talked to my dad since I went off of them on Christmas eve for lying and that week not talking to him was the most relaxed I have been since she died. I tried to call him yesterday which was a bad idea.....he said unforgivable things and I just have to stay away from him, it's not healthy for me and I need to let go. I woke up this morning feeling good knowing I need to just do what is right for me and healthy for me.

My mom used to tell me she was scared to leave my dad because she didn't think she could find anyone else and she felt sorry for him, so she felt like she had to put up with him. I put up with his abuse for so long because I didn't want to lose contact with my mom, now I don't need to feel obligated to suffer through it. The last day I saw my mom she told me how much she admired that I said what I felt and I was strong and not scared to just be honest. I know I need to do what is right for me now.

My friend Sarah and I started a few years ago making crazy long lists of new years resolutions, which I did again this year. I guess that way if we have 30 things and we accomplish 2 at least we did something :). My number one is get rid of unnecessary stress factors in my life. With that being said....cancelled the wedding plans, at least for now. It doesn't seem worth it in the middle of grieving, without my mom there, I just can't take it right now.

A new year...I want only people in my life who want the best for me and I want the best for. If someone goes out of their way to intentionally hurt me.....I just can't keep them around. I want to make the friendships I have stronger and closer and meet new friends with good people.