So Sunday night I went to an Al-anon meeting, I have read numerous books about being an adult child of an alcoholic family but I know going to a meeting was going to be the next step in calming my tornado inside. It was beyond nerve wracking and I cried just listening to other people share. I shared a bit about what I am going through and it felt kind of good.
I learned out of the blue that my dad sold the house and told me I needed to come clear out things and I know I have everything I wanted from my mom and my own stuff and I had multiple panic attacks thinking about going there, seeing the house destroyed, seeing my dads GF and my sister (who is prego and being an emotional psycho bitch) and Eric came home and saw me on the floor hyperventilating and put his foot down and said "you aren't going, you don't owe them anything, your dad just wants you to help him clear out his mess" It was hard to not go but I didn't, I wrote them an e-mail saying I couldn't make it and my dad wrote back saying "I wish you had more to say" and I wrote a long emotional but nice e-mail back and got new response.....NICE! I have to separate myself from the things and people that aren't helping me stay healthy. I can't do it.
I decided I need a change, I booked an appointment at a salon in Seal beach that had good Yelp reviews and got my hair chopped off, I wanted it even shorter but Eric said to give to two weeks and see if I like it and later I can get it cut shorter if I want. I also drove to Murrieta to see my friend Vanessa and had some awesome laughs and it was scary and stressful to drive all that way but I am glad I did.
I have been able to wake up happy 3 days this week. that's a record! I feel stronger like I can push through my nerves and improve. Its exhausting, I literally pass out from the tension and nerves once the hurdle is over but it is what I have to do I guess. Keep pushing...
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