I miss my mom, yea nothing new there. Already cried 3 times and its not even noon yet. Yayy for life. I am entirely unmotivated. I had a hair appointment this morning but I cancelled it because I took my mom to that salon and got her hair cut & styled for mothers day and I didn't want to have to talk about it with my stylist. Everyone keeps saying "treat yourself" "do something nice for yourself" all i feel like doing is punishing myself for not being there for my mom more. I know my mom would say "don't worry about something you have no control over" and I know I can't do anything about her being gone and I know wanting her back is selfish but I can't help it.
This morning when I looked at her picture I normally burst into tears but today I smiled at her and said "Hi Mimi" kissed it and then! burst into tears.....maybe that is progress I have no idea. When we were little my Grandma used to call us when bad things would happen and say everything would be OK and my mom will be fine and its been years since that has happened and I keep thinking I wish she was still alive to do that, but she is probably telling my mom that in heaven. People don't reach out much anymore to see how I am doing I feel like when I go out in public people can tell. I feel like walking wounded.....like a zombie. I don't try to do my hair cute or look cute or fuck even wear make up half the time. I just don't care.
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