Well....what can I say that I haven't said. I miss my mom like I would miss air. I still cry every single day multiple times. I am avoiding "gatherings" and places where there are a lot of people because anything can set me off into hysterically crying. Lately I have had about 2-3 times a day I can feel my heart start pounding really fast and I get really light headed......literally when I am doing nothing. It feels like I am gonna have a heart attack, sometimes my vision gets blurry. People say you experience intense anxiety when grieving but I have anxiety in normal life and it doesn't feel like an anxiety attack. I end up having to lay down or sit down.
I keep getting e-mails from Theknot.com saying "3 months to go" and yesterday I started to try to think about it and get a plan going and I just start crying. I am supposed to be having memories of dress fittings and cake tasting with my mom and instead I am dead inside. I don't want a wedding, I want my mom. Uggh!
I hate answering my phone. I hate making plans because I don't know how I am going to feel when the time does come to do the plans. I feel like I am supposed to spend time with all these people who want to hang out because my mom died and I don't want to. My favorite spot is sitting in the closet. I bought her a daily prayer book 2 Christmas' ago and I have it and try to read it everyday. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it pisses me off. I miss everything. I look at pictures of Eric & I and i think instantly "oh that was when she was still alive" and I wish with everything I could go back to any moment in time before she died and save her. I want to talk to her and her talk back. I want to hug her and hold her hand. I want everything back.
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