Acceptance of a death.....seems a bit contradictory, you don;t have a choice or say in the matter. It's not like I can contest it and appeal it. I woke up this morning (like every morning) opening my eyes hugging the bunny my mom sewed me when I was little and look at the sun beams on the ceiling and walls dancing from the reflection of the water outside and I say out loud "I miss you momma" and burst into tears. I have no idea what "stage of grieving" I am in but I still can't imagine her not coming back....ever.
When I was younger I used to lay in the floor and stare at the ceiling and think about being dead, I would imagine what it would feel like if there was no more me. I would get this horrible empty feeling inside to the point where i would cry because it was so scary. I feel that feeling in my stomach all the time now. The first thing I saw this morning when I turned on my computer was an article about "proof of heaven" I read it and it actually made me feel happy for my mom that she get relief and freedom. The article was promoting a news show about it and the author link here neuroscientist-sees-proof-heaven I don't know where heaven is but I know my mom is there with my Grandma and Great grandma.
My mom is my everything, I still think all the time "I just wanna call her" or ask her advice on things. I am so fucking sad. I don't see myself ever being OK that she isn't here or ever not being sad. I think about all the things she has been through and I know she is in a better place and would want me to find peace in that but I want my mom back. I know its selfish of me to want her back here where she wasn't happy but I don't know how to find happiness when my whole heart is gone. I am not myself anymore.
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