6 weeks

I am never going to be OK with her being gone. I am never going to "get over" the fact that she isn't here anymore. Maybe one day it will become bare able enough so I can function properly and get through my days without losing my mind but I am not there yet. Not even close.

Yesterday was a bad day. I cried 90% of the day and today my face is completely broken out and swollen. Yay for life. I finally get got to talk to my dad, his phone has been shut off for 10 days which didn't help my stress level. It was nice to talk to him but also certain things he said really bothered me for the rest of my day even onto today. I had a nice "Kodak" conversation with my sister and let her know how I felt though out the years and I apologized for being such a Bitch to her when we were younger. She apologized & thanked me for taking care of my mom and not involving her the last few years and said sorry I had to deal with that alone. It felt good to know she saw that. I have been very resentful of that fact that I was always the only one there for her and I know that was my choice and I wouldn't change it even now but makes it harder to deal with her death because all I can think is "I should have been there" and I have a lot of guilt for that. I know I will never get the answers I want or the reassurance from my mom that I didn't let her down and she isn't upset with me for not being there. That is something I am going to have to come to peace with myself about and I don't think I can do that right now or anytime soon.

Everyday I think of things I want to get done and then once I sit up in bed ready to touch my feet to the carpet all  my motivation is gone. It takes me forever just to get down stairs and even longer to start moving and doing things. I keep thinking about my wedding its 3 months away (the date we have reserved) but I really don't see it coming together mostly because I need help and I'm still a wreck who can't focus for long. My friend Vanessa who offered help got in a bad accident herself and I am sure isn't too up to doing as much anymore so I kinda don't know where to go from here or what to do. I still don't know how I could get through it without my mom there. I feel like with everything in my life since she died I am just scared in a corner stuck in square one.