She passed on September 21, 2012. Today October 21, 2012 is exactly one month. I still every multiple times every day. Eric woke me up early and took me to Disneyland to get my favorite coffee and a cinnamon bun for breakfast. Every mom I see I wanna cry...I keep finding pennies and even in the last week I found 3 dollar bills on the floor. My mom always said I would hoard money so I wonder if it is her giving me these things she thinks will make me smile a bit.
Eric's favorite ride is Star Tours so we decided to ride it and they pick a rider to be the "rebel spy" and neither of us have ever been the spy but today of all days. I was the rebel spy. I felt like my mom was trying to let me know its OK to have fun and enjoy myself and not to be sad. As the ride ended Eric turned to me and said "you're mom did that" of course it made me cry. I fluctuate from feeling overwhelmed with guilt for not being there more to feeling confident that I know she isn't mad at me and she loves me and I know she knows I love her. we left the park after about 2 hours I couldn't handle being around all those families and I was emotionally spent at that point anyways.
I miss her so so so so so much and I want her to be happy. I know she wants me to be happy but I literally am not able to be right now. I know I'm dehydrated from crying and not drinking or eating enough and my muscles are sore from doing nothing. All I want to do is sleep.
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