Bruised

The book I am reading about grieving repeatedly tells me how much I need to journal my thoughts and feelings. I get even tired of typing this shit out because I feel like it is the same circle of depression and I'm sure the two people who actually read this blog are extremely exhausted of reading it....imagine how exhausted I am of living it!

I woke up crying today and stayed in bed for about 2 hours after waking up just staring at suns reflection off the water onto the wall dance around. I want to say I feel numb but if I was numb I wouldn't have this pain and I probably wouldn't be able to cry so much. I think I am numb toward the rest of life maybe because all my emotions are focused on this event.

I normally freak out on unexpected bills and panic to make the funds and since she died I just don't fucking care. I don't care about money or how much I don't have. I have three GIANT bills sitting next to my laptop and I don't care I don't even have the motivation to go upstairs and find my check book.

I read something in my book this morning that says to steer clear of company that doesn't make you feel at peace or better. "you are too bruised to be around bruising company" to be exact. What if the person that pissed you off the most and says things that make you feel worse is family? So you can't not talk to them because they are hurting right now too? Like sacrificing yourself for the good of someone who enjoys the look of pain?

I know how my mom felt, I know how she was anxious all the time and wanted to hide out. Not having the confidence in your own emotional stability to be able to be out in the world for any length of time without breaks for fear of losing your footing. I am so there right now and it makes me sad to think she was there most of the time. I always tried to be more confident then I normally am when I was around her to try to give her a feeling that she was going to be fine and I would take care of everything. She was the only person who I could be that person for. I would like to be that person for myself but I guess that is another hill for another day.