Fighting myself.

I feel like I am breaking down more and more often, I swear I cried all day yesterday. My cell phone bill have been double due to all the calls to family and planning the funeral, just calling T-mobile this morning and trying to change my plan to have more minutes they asked why I needed more minutes and I broke down, I have one less person I can talk to yet I need more minutes to console the lives left here.

I feel like I can barely breathe and may vomit all the time. It is interesting that people expect that after the funeral is over for you to just go back to normal. Are you insane? In history people wore black for years to show publicly they were grieving and it was honored and respected and they weren't expected to ever be "healed" again. When people call and ask "how are you?" or "whats wrong?" REALLY my mom died...do I need to say that over and over? or defend my feelings for still feeling it so strongly? It feels like since she left it has been one LONG hellish day. The funeral seems a long time ago but the pain is fresh and real.

I'm not scared of anything anymore, I don't feel nervous or worried. I feel just devastated and I don't give a fuck about anything. I used to pray every time i got in my car "Please god keep me safe and accident free, Please god keep everyone on the road around me safe and accident free" I did it so much it became a habit. I get in my car now and I start it out of habit "please god....." I got nothin.... "Please god.......just make sure my mom is happy" that's it. Someone give me a dirty look I will stare you down. Give me attitude and I will call you out. I am not afraid of anything anymore. You would think that would feel better then stress but its very empty and dead inside. I look forward to being my moms legacy and making her proud....but right now I am a casualty , shrapnel left after a life altering blow.