It's been a little over 3 weeks since my mom passed away and oddly enough it has gotten emotionally worse I feel. I break down at least 3-6 times a day crying and all I can say is "I want my mom". I know she would kick my ass if she was here and saw me so sad. But I truly can't help it, I feel like me heart is gone totally gone, not broken, not hurting just gone, empty.
My sister and I went through her jewelry and clothes to separate and keep what reminded us of her the most. Needless to say I want everything from her hair brush to her pajamas. But then I don't want any of it because it's not her. I found some old reports and projects from school when I was younger she had kept. Even a letter I wrote to the tooth fairy asking for more quarters covered in pixie dust (glitter) she had kept. I also found two voice mails of her on my cell phone and in both of them she says "love you" at the end which of course made me cry uncontrollably but also felt really good to hear her voice saying those words to me. I had Eric record them onto the computer so I can keep them. It's like everything reminds me of her and everything breaks me down. I keep trying to remember she is happy now and free and I know she would be upset with me for being so sad and I don't want her to feel guilty for being gone. So i feel guilty for crying.
Some friends of mine have really stepped up and check on me a lot and send me love and then some who I thought would totally be there are fucking assholes. I still have no idea how I am ever going to be better or ever be truly happy again, but I know this is the hardest thing I WILL ever go through in my life and if I can figure out how to be happy again I know I will be invincible. Until then I am in the worst possible place.
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