WHAT THE HECK GOD!?!

So a little over a month after celebrating my mom's 60th birthday with her she suddenly passes away. I am shocked, crushed, lost and a total mess.

No illness, no signs of impending doom....like being hit by an 18 wheeler and dragged 100 miles under neath it and left to figure it out.

So wedding plans I am not sure anymore....I don't want to have a wedding without my mom there. I miss everything about her, I would literally give everything I have to gave her back. I am normally so straight forward thinking and on track and right now I am stupid, confused and utterly a huge miss. I feel like everything about my life suddenly lost all meaning and I don't care about anything anymore. I don't care if I have no friends, I don't care if I have no money, I don't care if I die....what is the point of life if I don't get to share it with my mom? what is the point of having fun or even trying if I can't tell her about it later?

You learn when someone close to you passes away how fucking stupid people are around you. People obviously have no idea what to say to you and they say the MOST inappropriate and fucked up shit! Being in this "I don't care mode" stupid people are actually therapeutic to me because I will rip them apart. I don't care if I ruin their self esteem or hurt their feelings....fuck them! I am is turbo protective mode of my family right now and I dare you to fuck with me. I am teetering between anger , denial and the deepest sadness imaginable. I missed a wedding and my 10 year high school reunion and I really do not care.

I feel guilty when I smile, I feel guilty I wasn't there for her more. I know she is happier and relieved of all her stress and pain, but I feel left behind. I feel cheated on time I should have had with her, I do take comfort in knowing she is with her mom now in heaven and I KNOW she knows I love her, no question. I also know if she could say anything to me she would say "Don't you dare feel guilty or bad , this is not your fault and has nothing to do with you" and "I love you so much you are my heart" and even knowing that I still can't stop feeling like I could have done something.....

Where does my life go from here? What am I supposed to do without her? Why did she have to die? I am a wreck and all I keep saying is "I want my mom".