It doesn't seem to be letting up. I broke down first thing this morning and numerous times today, My dad figured out her e-mail address password and I snooped around the sent mail and found some really good e-mail she sent me saying she loves me and one that really broke me down saying "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, YOU ARE THE BEST DAUGHTER IN THE WORLD" as good as it felt to read that it hurt even worse to know I can't hear her saying that to me. I miss her so much and I have no idea how to keep going without her.
I keep finding pennies on the floor and quarters and even dollars bills, Eric says its my mom giving me my favorite thing. Today I found another dollar on the floor along with a quart and a penny all in different places. I want to believe everything is her...I don't know if it is but it makes me feel good to think it is. I really hope she can see how amazing she is and how loved she is and will always be. I have never experienced such intense pain and sadness. People keep saying "you're so strong" and "you'll get through this"... This is strong? sobbing my head off constantly? I don't want to "get through this" I want my MOM! I want the life back I had with her here. I know if there was a way I could get her back I could....I want her bad enough and I am strong enough I could get her back if I just know how to do it.
I think if she had a choice now enjoying herself with my grandma is heaven to come back to be with us and be unhappy here I don't think she would come back....and it's selfish of me or my family to want to keep her here if she is happier where she is. She deserves to be happy and stress free. Even if it means we have to be in pain with out her. I miss you mom and love you so much....so so so fucking much. I am so emotionally unstable right now and I would give everything just for a hug from you.
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