I woke up crying this morning seems to be the norm now. My dad came back from work yesterday because he isn't OK yet which is understandable. I noticed when going to pick him up and bringing him home then driving home myself I go from being sullen and sad to angry and impatient very fast for no reason really. I almost wish someone would come along and piss me off so I could just beat the shit out them....I want to punch and kick and and get all my aggression out even though it wont bring her back or probably not make me feel better its just what i want to do.
Everything reminds me of my mom...and I am constantly thinking about her and how I wish I could change things, make things better. I found an e-mail from her where I told her I was scared to be far away from her because I wanted her to be able to call me if she ever needed me and I miss her. She replied by saying "don't be scared, you are always there for me but please don't worry about me, I am OK" I feel like that is what she would say to me now if she could....I hate that I wasn't there and I know I need to forgive myself and find peace but right now I am just really mad at myself.
I know my mom had a lot of pain and inner turmoil her whole life and it ate her alive. I know she doesn't have that anymore and I am happy for her. I wish she realized when she was here she is THE BEST mom and made my sister and I who we are. I am not ashamed of anything and I am proud of her and who she made me. I hope if nothing else she feels that pride now. I wish I could have helped her more and made her happier.
These posts are probably all over the place and make no sense. Oh well...Miss you & love you mom so much. xoxo
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