They say you can never know true happiness until you have seen the Deepest of Darks. What if you never find your way out of the dark? What if your happiness died with your loved one? My mom....the only person in the world who knows me probably better than I know myself. Now she is gone. She can't remind me who I am or dust me off and kiss it all better. Like all the history of my life just got burned in a fire. My mom made me. I am proud of who I am but I feel like I have lost that right now. She always reminded me of what I have going for me, How strong I am, everything she would say would echo in my soul and cheer me up. I could remember and say it to myself but it doesn't mean the same.
I know my mom wouldn't want me to feel sad or alone or lost. But it's like when someone kicks you in the face and says "I didn't mean to hurt you". Doesn't change the pain. I know she didn't do this to hurt us, she didn't mean to die.
I ordered a dress online for the wedding. I got it in the mail on Saturday. It's a piece of shit. horribly made, seams don't match up, loose threads everywhere. I cried my head off. Not because of the dress but because the one person I would call in the situation is my mom and she would tell me not to worry about it and just return it and we will find another. I have no one to go dress shopping with, Eric offered....but I just want my mom. It was a dress she had said was "darling" and I wanted to have a dress she saw and liked. Eric keeps reminding me she see's everything I see now and she will send me signs if she doesn't think something it right.
I just don't want to let her down.
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