Hurdles

Every Holiday is a hurdle I dread it and when its over I get very little satisfaction that it is done and I start to dwell and essentially dread the next hurdle in the distance. Granted I did this prior to my mom passing because of my anxiety but more so now, it is debilitating. Yesterday was Mothers Day so of course I woke up crying, crying multiple times through out the morning. My mom favorite animal is an elephant so I sponsored / adopted an elephant in her name.

Eric mom really wanted us to go to Brunch at his step-dads family county club. I didn't want to go I had multiple break downs just trying to do my hair. I told myself to do what my mom taught me which was when I used to not feel good for school she would tell me "OK well just try to get ready and see if you feel better and if you don't when its time to leave you can go back to bed" so I tried to get ready for this brunch. I made it out the door we were late and I was freakishly nervous and on the verge of tears. His "step family" all know what happened and were all very happy and supportive to see me. It went pretty well.

Now that it is over of course today my first stressful thought is "Now to get through my birthday" which will be harder I think, my mom always did the most sweet and thoughtful things even when she wasn't near by she would call me and sing or send me very sweet heartfelt cards. I would like to disappear on the day, all day. I don't want to answer my phone, or plan anything. I just wish she was here. Once this hurdle is over I am either going to be uber depressed  or feel a little relieved. Oh what torture is still to come....

Where am I?

I feel like I am in that annoying movie Groundhogs Days. Its another time frame to suffer through, another sunrise and set of ups, downs and pain. I get spurts of motivations thinking "OK I am going to get through this" that's about 8% of the time, the other 92% is "Fuck, this sucks, why can't I die too?" I keep trying to change my surroundings from cleaning to moving shit around, to buying weird new clothes I would never normally buy, just trying to give myself a new perspective on my life. I keep telling Eric I want to get the fuck out of the house and go away for a while and he doesn't get it.....7 months later we still haven't gone anywhere and I'm to the point of breaking things because I can't take it anymore.

Have you ever been in a pool or hot tub and floated face down and just relaxed? Its a very calming feeling it feels so good you could drown but then of course the since of urgency creeps in telling you to turn over and take a breath, I feel like I could drown any second. I have no motivation to take a breath.

Steps...even baby steps are progress?

SO yea yesterday was TOUGH I cried a lot, spent a good portion of time just talking to my mom and telling her how sorry and guilty I feel for not being there. UGHH! Then! I proceed to make home made body wash from a Pinterest recipe I found online and I have a large Pyrex measuring cup my mom gave my for Christmas a few years ago. When I was done I washed it by hand and put it on the counter to dry somewhat leaning so all the water would drip out. A few hours later I hear the BIGGEST crash.....yep it fell off the counter onto the tile floor and SHATTERED. My whole body even my fingers got very stiff and tight and I just stood there. I immediately called Eric and told him what happened and was SOBBING I felt like I let her down again, like I lost a piece of her with this measuring cup. I am crying just freaking typing about it. Eric told me just to sweep it all in a pile and he will clean it up when he got home, of course I am too OCD for that so I swept it all into a pile and proceeded to pick up all the pieces and put them into a box to keep. I then vacuumed the bits of shards and mopped the floor after that. That was really tough, I know the stupid measuring cup isn't her I just feel so guilty.

Then today I changed my profile picture on FB, I have had a picture of my mom and I for over 7 months and I know I need to make progress, of course I feel horribly guilty for putting a new picture up of just me. I didn't take the old one off my profile only made a new one my "main" picture. I don't want my mom to think I am forgetting about her or not care about her. I know I had to change the pic eventually and it doesn't mean I love her , respect her or miss her ANY less. But yet I still feel guilty. Why is every step a mountain? and why is it even when I make them or progress I still feel like I am sitting at the bottom looking up?

There is Unhappiness in me.

So the 7 month day has come and gone of course I cried like a bitch. Eric was in the studio all day so it was worse then normal with nothing to distract me I cleaned the entire house, made soup from scratch and tried to keep myself occupied but of course didn't work. Scrubbing the tub I burst into tears, vacuuming near the picture I have of her on the wall made me cry, using the Crock pot she game me to make the soup, etc etc etc etc. I donated 10 more trees in her name I hope that makes her happy. She used to ask me why I would save the yogurt tops (pink ones for breast cancer) and I would tell her all the ones you send in helps raise money for cancer and she would get the biggest smile and say "That's my girl". She would get all excited to tell me when she went to the store and when they ask you as you check out if you would like to donate to some cause , she would (it was programmed in her to say no) and she would be so proud of herself to tell me she did. Once they had you write your name on a heart and hung it around the store and she took me back and we looked all around the store for the heart she donated (we didn't find it) but she was so proud of herself, it was like overcoming an obstacle inside herself. So I want to keep donating for her because even though she didn't all the time she wanted to.

So in this book I bought it says not to identify yourself and who you are with your feelings or ego. So when you are sad or unhappy do not say "I am sad" or "I am unhappy" say there is unhappiness in me, it does not define who you are as a person. So I am trying to keep in mind even though I feel as though this pain has swallowed me whole and has become the future of my existence I need to remind myself it is not who I am. My mom made me and she did everything she could to make sure I wasn't unhappy and her dieing shouldn't invalidate all the work she did. I cry as I type that because I know that but it also doesn't change the pain and emptiness in my heart. I want to be better and happier and I plan to eventually but I know its a long road and there is no just going on with your life or going back to normal. Her being gone is a huge earthquake and shattered my world, now I have to rebuild and it can't be the same. FUCK!

Knowing the pain still coming...

I know when the 21st rolls around every month and I dread it....I have been donating to a charity in her name every month on the day mostly planting trees in her name. My birthday is coming which I wish I could just be dead for that day along with Mother's Day. I am sick of seeing things to by Moms, it makes me mad more then sad.

On my birthday every year she would sing Happy Birthday to me and cook me my favorite dinner it was always either Shephard's pie or Stir Fry. She would always make a cake even though she knew I was always watching my weight and wouldn't eat much of it. If I wasn't home on the day she would call and not even say hello just start singing "Happy Birthday to you.." when I picked up. Celebrating a day you were born but then person who made you and gave birth to you isn't here makes it seem stupid. She always got me the mushiest cards. I just want her....

I have been listening to her voice mail on my phone a lot. I still don't understand that she is never coming back, her voice sounds so happy and sweet. I listen to it and ball my eyes out and talk to her and say "I love you mom" It's fucking hard to deal with.

I have been reading the book "A New Earth" and its good but I am a wanderer when I read I still think of other things so I feel like I am not getting all I can out of it. I have been re-reading pages so make sure I understood them and am trying to make time daily to read it and learn.

I feel over whelmed with a lot of things and stressed out. I wish my mom would tell me in my dreams that she isn't mad at me so maybe I can find some peace inside myself. I know I have to find my own peace and no one can give it to me I just wish she would talk to me.

Emotions

On my quest for normalcy I still can't control my emotions. I haven't been talking on the phone lately which has helped my stress level stay lower then normal. Eric took me on a nice hike/ walk at the Anaheim Hills Nature Center on Saturday it was so gorgeous. We used to go on hikes all the time before we bought our place so it felt really good to be back in nature and just talk with Eric. I took a ton of pictures which is my new thing, I like to think someday someone will pay me money to use one of my awesome pictures, ha! whatever it's therapeutic for me so that's all that matters to me. We went to t a new thrift store after wards and got a cute skirt , top and pair of jeans! and even a pair of pants for Eric for less them 18 bucks! Then he took me to my favorite $1 book store and I found a book about being an Adult Child ( for those of you who read this and are not sure what that is, it is someone who was a child of an alcoholic) and a Book from Oprah's book club By Eckhart Tolle called "A New Earth , Awakening to your life's purpose" Th back says it will help readers awaken to a new state of consciousness and follow a path to truly fulfilling existence" Sounds pretty damn good to me!

Sunday Eric took me to Disneyland in the morning where we rode Casey Jr. Train for the first time it is from the movie Dumbo and I can not stand to watch that movie. Not because I don't like it but because of the scene where Baby of Mine plays and Dumbo's mom is in a cage and sticks her trunk out of the cage widow to rock her baby (dumbo). Just explaining this to Eric and even typing it out right now makes me cry uncontrollably. I remember when my mom was in Rehab and we only got to spend a little bit of time with her once a week on these visits and we only got to hug her and hold her for a little while. She told me when I was little that when you lost an eye lash to make a wish on it and blow it away. So when she was in rehab I would pull my eyelashes out just to wish that she would be home and better soon. So moral is the story is that Casey Jr. train put me into a downward spiral of emotions for the rest of Sunday and most of Today. I just miss her....

Reflection

I have been spending a lot of time lately reflecting on my life and relationships I have. Eric and I have been having long discussion about how to react and interact with people. He says I need to stop putting in emotion and effort into people who wont even meet me half way or offer help in times of need. Sadly there are not very many people who are like that, but since my mom went away I have seen people who I haven't spoken to or see in years really step up and be supportive and I have seen people who I would except to be there really be selfish and fail completely. I am making a concision effort to weed out the toxic people in life, and to be honest it feels good, it feels freeing. I am also making more effort to spend time with the people who have shown me they really care, which I think is healthy.

Yesterday Eric's mom called to invite us to Easter brunch and I missed the call but while checking my voice mail I had to re-save a message in my inbox and it was my mom....of course I cried my head off and it really set me off for about 4 hours. I was just crying, not sobbing but constantly having tears run down my face, its like an internal pain that I know I can't fix so I let my body react to the pain by crying and just try to keep going.

I have been trying to do some crafts lately and I think its helping me heal, I feel proud of them and accomplished.I do wish I could show my mom when they are done but it feels good that Eric gets involved with me too. He gets excited and motivates me to continue or helps me out. I have also been trying to meditate lately, a friend of mine sent me a book about meditating and I have been taking time daily to partake in that activity. It feels good, gives me a moment of evaluation, peace and positive energy. I feel like I am taking steps to be healthier and change my life in a good way, Its a whole new monster to try to stop the sadness and tears but maybe these new things will help slowly make it less painful.