Waking up crying

Waking up crying not like just a tear or two but like immense amounts of pain crying. I saw my mom in my dream and she was laying on her bed at the house and I was sitting on the bed cross legs playing with her hair. She looked at me and say "I won't be here long" I responded with "Be here long?" and she said "I wont be here long without you" I told her that Eric says she will always be with me and she said "I will" and I started to tear up and I said "Like right next to me?" and she said "I will" and then of course I started sobbing and woke myself up and was so upset I feel like when I start crying when she talks to me in my dreams I scare her away from wanting to do it again and I had so many more things I wanted to ask her and I fucking ruined it by crying and waking myself up.......

Week of Nerves

So Sunday night I went to an Al-anon meeting, I have read numerous books about being an adult child of an alcoholic family but I know going to a meeting was going to be the next step in calming my tornado inside. It was beyond nerve wracking and I cried just listening to other people share. I shared a bit about what I am going through and it felt kind of good.

I learned out of the blue that my dad sold the house and told me I needed to come clear out things and I know I have everything I wanted from my mom and my own stuff and I had multiple panic attacks thinking about going there, seeing the house destroyed, seeing my dads GF and my sister (who is prego and being an emotional psycho bitch) and Eric came home and saw me on the floor hyperventilating and put his foot down and said "you aren't going, you don't owe them anything, your dad just wants you to help him clear out his mess" It was hard to not go but I didn't, I wrote them an e-mail saying I couldn't make it and my dad wrote back saying "I wish you had more to say" and I wrote a long emotional but nice e-mail back and got new response.....NICE! I have to separate myself from the things and people that aren't helping me stay healthy. I can't do it.

I decided I need a change, I booked an appointment at a salon in Seal beach that had good Yelp reviews and got my hair chopped off, I wanted it even shorter but Eric said to give to two weeks and see if I like it and later I can get it cut shorter if I want. I also drove to Murrieta to see my friend Vanessa and had some awesome laughs and it was scary and stressful to drive all that way but I am glad I did.

I have been able to wake up happy 3 days this week. that's a record! I feel stronger like I can push through my nerves and improve. Its exhausting, I literally pass out from the tension and nerves once the hurdle is over but it is what I have to do I guess. Keep pushing...

Empty

It's interesting how the people that don't know what I am feeling have the nerve to say that because I am sad that there is something wrong with me or I need help. Sadness when faced with loss is natural. let me repeat that SADNESS WHEN FACED WITH LOSS IS NATURAL. Do you think it helps to add to someones pain by saying there is something wrong with them? Is there a published scientific guideline of how long sadness is supposed to last? and then if it goes a minute over the socially accepted allotted amount of time they are fucked up and everyone needs to run the opposite direction.

I have seen parts of people who I thought were good during all of this that are so disgusting it is embarrassing to me that I ever considered them even an ounce of good. This is what is wrong with the world, people don't go out there way to help each other, or show love & support, they say it, don't mean it and are more so clearly the selfish asshole they always were.

I am doing what is best for me and taking space and I need to learn to do that without feeling bullied into being what people think I should be or feeling guilt for focusing on myself. I feel like there is an empty hole in my heart that is a vortex and it's sucking every piece of life I have into it. I am the only one who can stop it.

0 to 60 in 3 seconds flat

I am so easily frustrated, little things will make my heart beat faster and I want to flip the fuck out. I have seen explosions of anger I never have done before. I break things when I am mad I want to burn it all down, because who cares really? I want to tell people how fucking rude and selfish and ignorant they are. The other day Eric and I were in a crowded parking lot and this lady and her husband and her daughter (who was dressed like a slut and had more makeup on than a clown and was like 10 yrs old) were blocking the lane stopped and getting out so we went around and a spot opened up down the lane and the lady started screaming that we cut in front of them and that spot should be theirs.....OK so it took ALL my strength not to get out of the car and literally rip her to shreds, I was already anxious from the traffic but this bitch is gonna cause chaos? I told Eric to let them have the spot and we will find another and as we drove by I said out the window to her "No need to be rude" when I really wanted to say "FUCKING BITCH!"

I try to always do Random Acts of Kindness, like bring extra pennies to a wishing well and give them to people, send care packages to victim of the tornadoes, donate to charities, pay for someones meal, but people who are assholes make me not want to do these things. I know I shouldn't let shitty people ruin the world, I am just having a hard time staying positive.

I swear I have gone through the stages of grieving about 10 times over ....and its an on going cycle.

Still not there

Not stable, some days I feel good. Some days I feel lost. I want to find the silver lining, the motivation behind all of this but I haven't yet or I don't have the strength to hold on to it yet. I know I need to stop putting hopes into people. People make promises to be there and they are selfish. It is easy to be selfish and I can't wait until these people know this pain. You'll come apologize to me for the crappy bullshit they have added to my pain.

Eric made my birthday very nice, reservations as one of our favorite restaurants, got me flowers, a HUGE 3 layer red velvet cake, card and bought me sunglasses. He is awesome, I would 100% be dead if I didn't have him through this.

I have learned I need to do for others because I want to and not to expect them to even thank me back, but give for myself. People are sad, egotistical and inconsiderate and it may kill me but I am not going to become that, I am giving and thoughtful and considerate ...qualities I got from my mom and I am not going to let selfish people stop me from letting my mom shine through me.

Hurdles

Every Holiday is a hurdle I dread it and when its over I get very little satisfaction that it is done and I start to dwell and essentially dread the next hurdle in the distance. Granted I did this prior to my mom passing because of my anxiety but more so now, it is debilitating. Yesterday was Mothers Day so of course I woke up crying, crying multiple times through out the morning. My mom favorite animal is an elephant so I sponsored / adopted an elephant in her name.

Eric mom really wanted us to go to Brunch at his step-dads family county club. I didn't want to go I had multiple break downs just trying to do my hair. I told myself to do what my mom taught me which was when I used to not feel good for school she would tell me "OK well just try to get ready and see if you feel better and if you don't when its time to leave you can go back to bed" so I tried to get ready for this brunch. I made it out the door we were late and I was freakishly nervous and on the verge of tears. His "step family" all know what happened and were all very happy and supportive to see me. It went pretty well.

Now that it is over of course today my first stressful thought is "Now to get through my birthday" which will be harder I think, my mom always did the most sweet and thoughtful things even when she wasn't near by she would call me and sing or send me very sweet heartfelt cards. I would like to disappear on the day, all day. I don't want to answer my phone, or plan anything. I just wish she was here. Once this hurdle is over I am either going to be uber depressed  or feel a little relieved. Oh what torture is still to come....

Where am I?

I feel like I am in that annoying movie Groundhogs Days. Its another time frame to suffer through, another sunrise and set of ups, downs and pain. I get spurts of motivations thinking "OK I am going to get through this" that's about 8% of the time, the other 92% is "Fuck, this sucks, why can't I die too?" I keep trying to change my surroundings from cleaning to moving shit around, to buying weird new clothes I would never normally buy, just trying to give myself a new perspective on my life. I keep telling Eric I want to get the fuck out of the house and go away for a while and he doesn't get it.....7 months later we still haven't gone anywhere and I'm to the point of breaking things because I can't take it anymore.

Have you ever been in a pool or hot tub and floated face down and just relaxed? Its a very calming feeling it feels so good you could drown but then of course the since of urgency creeps in telling you to turn over and take a breath, I feel like I could drown any second. I have no motivation to take a breath.