Yesterday was 6 months of her being gone. I planted 10 more trees in her name through Arborday.org. I miss everything about her....I saw her in my dream last night, she was behind a window and just stood there smiling at me. She was wearing this pink sweatshirt she used to wear all the time when I was little. I didn't wake up crying or anything I was happy I got to see her.
I have been listening to a lot of Dave Mathews bands and instead of avoiding music that might make me cry I am just playing whatever I want to hear and if I cry then so be it. There is a song that gets me every time called Baby Blue specific lyric that cuts me like a knife is :
Confess I'm not quite ready to be left.
Still, I know I gave my level best.
You give, you give, to this I can attest.
You made me, you made me.
You and me forever.
I am not ready to say goodbye to her, I don't want to. I'm gonna see her again when I die. I don't want to say bye.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Am I Depressed?
I oversleep everyday, I never feel good, I have no motivation, I hate people. I feel lonely even when people are around, Eric is not being there for me lately and its making everything seem so much worse.
I do not want to answer my phone anymore. I go back in forth in my head from "I need to make changes to be a healthier person" to "who cares what I eat or what I do , life sucks" If someone says something that upsets me I either fight with all of me or ignore you entirely....there is only extremes in my world.
It feels good to cry, it feels even better to cry so hard that I can't catch my breath, its the only time I don't feel numb, I feel pain. I want my mom. That's all. I hate my life without her.
I do not want to answer my phone anymore. I go back in forth in my head from "I need to make changes to be a healthier person" to "who cares what I eat or what I do , life sucks" If someone says something that upsets me I either fight with all of me or ignore you entirely....there is only extremes in my world.
It feels good to cry, it feels even better to cry so hard that I can't catch my breath, its the only time I don't feel numb, I feel pain. I want my mom. That's all. I hate my life without her.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Tired is an understatement
So we went out of our way to send out these announcements to friends and family because people who knew were requesting them and people who didn't needed to know. Then what? 100 sent our and we got a gift or card from 10......wow...thanks guys, way to show love and support. I am so FUCKING tired of people. Fuck everyone! Send us a card that says congrats....anything!
We spent the last 2 weekends going to Redlands to pick up stuff that we wanted before my dad threw it away. OF COURSE my sister took the TV, freezer, hutch all the big ticket items. Granted I wanted more sentimental things like her robe, slippers, photo albums. The things that upsets me so much is my sisters husbands makes 6 figures a year and she doesn't even ask or consider anyone else she is just out for herself. If my dad offers me ANYTHING I say well ask Stacy first if she wants it I don't want to take something she wants. NOPE can't get common decency in return. She is religious and always acts like she wants to always do the right thing but she doesn't give a fuck about anyone else but herself. I am shocked at how she has acted since all of this happened. I really just don't want these people around me, it only bums me out to see my own family being manipulative selfish pricks!
The day we found out she had died, who was there? me.....all by myself. Like I was the last 3 times she had to go to the hospital, I visited her all the time, cleaned her house, took her shopping, was always there! I had to sit there and talk to police and coroners and EMS. Stacy didn't even come, my dad was on the road. I was there dealing with it all alone. Then she feels entitled to take whatever she wants with no regard? I am just fucking tired.
If my mom felt like this from my sister and my dad no fucking wonder she was so unhappy. It's not fucking healthy. Its such a huge toll on my soul. I am sad, sad, sad, sad and Disgusted at people. I feel like the only thing that I lived to protect and help is gone. I am so hurt and lost and the family I am left with .....I would trade for my mom in heart beat.
We spent the last 2 weekends going to Redlands to pick up stuff that we wanted before my dad threw it away. OF COURSE my sister took the TV, freezer, hutch all the big ticket items. Granted I wanted more sentimental things like her robe, slippers, photo albums. The things that upsets me so much is my sisters husbands makes 6 figures a year and she doesn't even ask or consider anyone else she is just out for herself. If my dad offers me ANYTHING I say well ask Stacy first if she wants it I don't want to take something she wants. NOPE can't get common decency in return. She is religious and always acts like she wants to always do the right thing but she doesn't give a fuck about anyone else but herself. I am shocked at how she has acted since all of this happened. I really just don't want these people around me, it only bums me out to see my own family being manipulative selfish pricks!
The day we found out she had died, who was there? me.....all by myself. Like I was the last 3 times she had to go to the hospital, I visited her all the time, cleaned her house, took her shopping, was always there! I had to sit there and talk to police and coroners and EMS. Stacy didn't even come, my dad was on the road. I was there dealing with it all alone. Then she feels entitled to take whatever she wants with no regard? I am just fucking tired.
If my mom felt like this from my sister and my dad no fucking wonder she was so unhappy. It's not fucking healthy. Its such a huge toll on my soul. I am sad, sad, sad, sad and Disgusted at people. I feel like the only thing that I lived to protect and help is gone. I am so hurt and lost and the family I am left with .....I would trade for my mom in heart beat.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Fuck life.
Today is one of those days where EVERYTHING is setting me off. I miss my mom. I am so tired of everyone being assholes about everything. My dad met a "friend" at grief counseling...really......this bitch has had two husbands and a son die on her.....cough cough black widow cough cough. Not to mention meeting someone at grief counseling is like meeting someone at AA and going drinking together. Anyways He keeps trying to shove her existence down my throat and plan dinners calling them "family dinners" that bitch is not my family and no way in hell. He doesn't get I am so not even close to ready and neither is he. You don't see me going to and finding a new mom....It hurts that he doesn't consider how I feel and just that he wants to pretend he has this new family.
My sister is pregnant with her 4th child and I am excited for her but at the same time her husband has brain washed her into thinking anyone but his family is evil so I can't babysit the kids or anything unless she is there. She lets his side of the family babysit and go on trips and I don't even get a fucking thank you from buying them gifts or sending them valentines cards. She walks in my dads the other day and hands me a target plastic bag wrapped around a glass dish and says "Here is your wedding present" all snotty like I did something wrong. Why can't she want me to be happy? Why can't she be a sister to me? I want what is best for her, cater to her weird diet and schedules, her "what is appropriate" list and I get treated like an after thought, an inconvenience. You think for her sister in laws wedding gift she wrapped it in a target bag? I bet she even got her something on her registry! I asked her a million times to have a beach day with the kids and she kept saying no and then her sister in law posts pics of the kids saying "beach day" and its them on the beach.....really? I may sound like I am being a brat but for all the effort I put into thoughtful shit for everyone I sure am getting fucked up the ass.
I am DONE, done being around people who don't want the best for me, who don't consider my feelings. My mom is so thoughtful, she remembered everything, she never forgot about anything. She knew what you needed or wanted before you had to even say. I am stuck with selfish jerks. I miss her, I am like her in the sense I always try to go out of my way for people and be thoughtful and make them smile. For what? To regret it later? I feel more alone. I just want my mom back, I know my mom knew I loved her. and I know she loves me.
Uggh this venting just makes me more mad and wanna cry! I have too many emotions going on right now. Sometimes I just wish I was with her.
My sister is pregnant with her 4th child and I am excited for her but at the same time her husband has brain washed her into thinking anyone but his family is evil so I can't babysit the kids or anything unless she is there. She lets his side of the family babysit and go on trips and I don't even get a fucking thank you from buying them gifts or sending them valentines cards. She walks in my dads the other day and hands me a target plastic bag wrapped around a glass dish and says "Here is your wedding present" all snotty like I did something wrong. Why can't she want me to be happy? Why can't she be a sister to me? I want what is best for her, cater to her weird diet and schedules, her "what is appropriate" list and I get treated like an after thought, an inconvenience. You think for her sister in laws wedding gift she wrapped it in a target bag? I bet she even got her something on her registry! I asked her a million times to have a beach day with the kids and she kept saying no and then her sister in law posts pics of the kids saying "beach day" and its them on the beach.....really? I may sound like I am being a brat but for all the effort I put into thoughtful shit for everyone I sure am getting fucked up the ass.
I am DONE, done being around people who don't want the best for me, who don't consider my feelings. My mom is so thoughtful, she remembered everything, she never forgot about anything. She knew what you needed or wanted before you had to even say. I am stuck with selfish jerks. I miss her, I am like her in the sense I always try to go out of my way for people and be thoughtful and make them smile. For what? To regret it later? I feel more alone. I just want my mom back, I know my mom knew I loved her. and I know she loves me.
Uggh this venting just makes me more mad and wanna cry! I have too many emotions going on right now. Sometimes I just wish I was with her.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
My heart knows before my head.
Today is exactly 5 months. I woke up this morning from a dead sleep last night (whiplash acting up so I took a Soma) 6:30am and commence immediate sobbing. Staring at the ceiling talking to her, Telling her how much I miss her and how excruciating this is to live through. Telling her how amazing she is and will always be and no matter what I know she would never do this intensionally. If I believed she could feel negative feelings she would feel guilt for dying and making us hurt. As much pain and unhappiness as she was in she would have suffered until the ends of days just for us, and I know that. I told her if she does feel anything feel relaxed and happy, and no one is mad at her. I know my relationship with my mom was something I will never have with anyone else and she never had with anyone else. I KNOW she knows I LOVE her. I know that.
I spent a good hour crying and talking to her and got up and realized "today is 5 months" everyday I cry but every time it is a month further down this painful road I wake up in the middle of the night crying or first thing in the morning. Before my mind knows it....my heart knows it. My heart cries first. Every time I cry I think my mom would say "I wish you wouldn't cry" or how she was always so apologetic if she ever felt that she hurt anyone and say "I am so sorry, so so sorry" She would always cry while apologizing because she felt that bad, she didn't have it in her to be mean. Then I in turn feel guilty for crying, I don't want her looking down on me and thinking "OK Wendy enough" or "Oh my gosh I broke her" I hope she just feels missed and loved.
In other news. We sent out our announcements and as excited as I was to get the whole thing done with, the realization that no one gives a shit sets in. People don't even tell me they got it, no gifts have come from my side of the family at all and very few from Eric's. It makes me feel like I don't have anyone except Eric who really loves or supports me. I expected friends and family to want to send anything a fucking card to show support and love for us. I want to call and cry to my mom about how hurt it feels that no one even cares. I would give anything to hear her console me. I am just beat down.
I spent a good hour crying and talking to her and got up and realized "today is 5 months" everyday I cry but every time it is a month further down this painful road I wake up in the middle of the night crying or first thing in the morning. Before my mind knows it....my heart knows it. My heart cries first. Every time I cry I think my mom would say "I wish you wouldn't cry" or how she was always so apologetic if she ever felt that she hurt anyone and say "I am so sorry, so so sorry" She would always cry while apologizing because she felt that bad, she didn't have it in her to be mean. Then I in turn feel guilty for crying, I don't want her looking down on me and thinking "OK Wendy enough" or "Oh my gosh I broke her" I hope she just feels missed and loved.
In other news. We sent out our announcements and as excited as I was to get the whole thing done with, the realization that no one gives a shit sets in. People don't even tell me they got it, no gifts have come from my side of the family at all and very few from Eric's. It makes me feel like I don't have anyone except Eric who really loves or supports me. I expected friends and family to want to send anything a fucking card to show support and love for us. I want to call and cry to my mom about how hurt it feels that no one even cares. I would give anything to hear her console me. I am just beat down.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
We never get over it. we only learn to cope
I haven't learned to cope yet. I miss her, everyday, every minute. I talk to her every morning and I apologize to her for not being there, followed by what I know she would say to me back. I use the same coffee creamer she does so my coffee tastes like my moms coffee. Yesterday Eric brought home a piece of the newspaper a section from their recipe booklet inside called "Relish" with a recipe for red velvet brownies. I broke down really hard because my mom used to leave the "Relish" portion of the paper on my bed for me because it was full of recipes and food coupons. On Sunday we went to Home Depot and into the garden section and I started crying (quietly of course) because I remember going there with my mom and I would hold her purse so she could look at plants and grab things and when she found something she liked I would carry it well. I always wanted her to be the least stressed out she could be. As you can clearly tell....everything reminds me of her.
In other life news, We finished and mailed out our wedding announcements and are done with any wedding related poo. I am happy its done. I hope my mom would be happy and not upset that we didn't have it because of her. I know in my heart she would want me to do whatever is less stressful for me. I am trying to be more outgoing instead of a hermit. I have been doing small errands on my own here and there which makes me feel really accomplished. I do miss my friends. My friend Michelle has come to visit me a few times in the last month which is so sweet of her. Its tough meeting new adult friends.
I am still not talking to my dad although he sent me a text saying "I know I said some mean things the last time we spoke, sorry about that". Oh well then, that makes it all better....NO! I still don't have the energy to deal with that whole thing. I just need time to focus on myself and my life. I have been feeling very lucky for Eric, he has been super supportive through all of my moods and retardations. I am trying to do more things that show him how much I appreciate him, its hard when I'm so emotionally unstable.
In other life news, We finished and mailed out our wedding announcements and are done with any wedding related poo. I am happy its done. I hope my mom would be happy and not upset that we didn't have it because of her. I know in my heart she would want me to do whatever is less stressful for me. I am trying to be more outgoing instead of a hermit. I have been doing small errands on my own here and there which makes me feel really accomplished. I do miss my friends. My friend Michelle has come to visit me a few times in the last month which is so sweet of her. Its tough meeting new adult friends.
I am still not talking to my dad although he sent me a text saying "I know I said some mean things the last time we spoke, sorry about that". Oh well then, that makes it all better....NO! I still don't have the energy to deal with that whole thing. I just need time to focus on myself and my life. I have been feeling very lucky for Eric, he has been super supportive through all of my moods and retardations. I am trying to do more things that show him how much I appreciate him, its hard when I'm so emotionally unstable.
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