twelve weeks

I am still crying multiple times everyday. Saying I miss her is a gross understatement. Today waking up I hear on the news of a shooting at an elementary school they say 27 dead and mostly children, They showed a picture of a mom on her cell phone and the look on her face I am all too familiar with. The actual moment and feeling of your heart breaking. Made me burst into tears seeing that, My heart goes out to those families.

It made think of the way my mom used to brush the hair out of Heidi's eyes and straighten her clothes. She is the best Grandma and mom and I know she is in heaven comforting those innocent little children. She loved kids and I know they are being taken care of.

I have been trying to keep busy and do more everyday. It helps me not dwell on how much this hurts but little things will break me down. I am trying to focus on the fact that I know she is relaxed and relieved. She didn't deserve the stress she had here on earth and as much as I selfishly still want her here she deserves to be happy even if it means it's without me.

I am trying to make changes. I am cutting people out of my life who have no reason to be here. You are either genuine and kind and want the best for me and I want the best for you or you're out. I want to love my friends and I want to feel loved by them. I feel very lonely and I am going to get rid of the empty company around me.

I'm lonely. But I want to be left alone.

They say you can never know true happiness until you have seen the Deepest of Darks. What if you never find your way out of the dark? What if your happiness died with your loved one? My mom....the only person in the world who knows me probably better than I know myself. Now she is gone. She can't remind me who I am or dust me off and kiss it all better. Like all the history of my life just got burned in a fire. My mom made me. I am proud of who I am but I feel like I have lost that right now. She always reminded me of what I have going for me, How strong I am, everything she would say would echo in my soul and cheer me up. I could remember and say it to myself but it doesn't mean the same.

I know my mom wouldn't want me to feel sad or alone or lost. But it's like when someone kicks you in the face and says "I didn't mean to hurt you". Doesn't change the pain. I know she didn't do this to hurt us, she didn't mean to die.

I ordered a dress online for the wedding. I got it in the mail on Saturday. It's a piece of shit. horribly made, seams don't match up, loose threads everywhere. I cried my head off. Not because of the dress but because the one person I would call in the situation is my mom and she would tell me not to worry about it and just return it and we will find another. I have no one to go dress shopping with, Eric offered....but I just want my mom. It was a dress she had said was "darling" and I wanted to have a dress she saw and liked. Eric keeps reminding me she see's everything I see now and she will send me signs if she doesn't think something it right.

I just don't want to let her down.

You are the Love of my heart

Couple nights ago I had a dream I was freaking out running around, panicking, looking for a little brown cat. I saw my mom and I started to yell at her "where is the cat?" "What happened to it?" She was her normal calm gentle self and looked me right in the eyes and said "You are the love of my heart" I just stared at her for a bit thinking, even though I was yelling at her she still loves me. I woke up hysterically crying all i wanted to do was call my mom. her eyes were really her eyes....they were so real. It felt so real.

When I was younger I would have dreams that she died and I would wake up screaming crying and either yell "MOM!" or run into her room and wake up frantically and tell her I had a dream she died and she would say "It's OK, I am not going to die, I am right here" and put me back to beg. I would make her promise not to die before she left my room. I wanted so badly to call her and tell her about my dream and her to say everything is OK and she is fine.

Eric said "Your mom was sending you a message telling you she loves you so matter what" and not to be sad but be happy she visited you. I am not mad she came or upset I am sad because I want it to be real so bad.

Everything I can relate to her, everything in my life reminds me of something to do with her. I miss her so much it physically hurts. This pain is never ending. I am a fixer and I can't fix something that is torturing me....makes me so mad. I am overwhelmed.

10 fucking weeks

I would scream until my lungs bled if I thought God would hear me and give you back. I'd give everything I have....

Always alone.

I always felt like if I went missing no one would look for me except my mom. She would notice I was gone, she would miss me and she would look for me. Walking through crowds I feel like I could suddenly vanish into thin air and no one would notice, flinch or even skip a beat. No one would even take the time to notice I was gone much less try to find me.

Does she know what happened? When her soul left her body did she see what had happened? Did she feel guilty? Did she feel sad? Did they show her the play by play in heaven? Or did she wake up in heaven and forget it all? Eric says when her soul left her body she saw what happened. Did she feel abandoned? Does she feel any pain?

Did it take this for her to be able to see how loved she is? To see how much she meant to all of us? Even though she always felt like she wasn't as amazing as we all told her she is. I miss the way when you walked in the door she was come out of the kitchen and jump up and down smiling and giggling so happy to see you. I miss her smell, the way her hands feel in mine, the way she always made me feel better.

Life isn't about money. It's about love. You can die tomorrow with all the money in the world and you can't take it with you and no one will remember you just how much money you had and who has it now. Love.....Love doesn't end, it doesn't die with death....it amplifies. Love is forever even after your heart stops beating. Love is part of your character, your entire being, even when I die and meet my mom again the love will only be stronger. It never goes away.

Bruised

The book I am reading about grieving repeatedly tells me how much I need to journal my thoughts and feelings. I get even tired of typing this shit out because I feel like it is the same circle of depression and I'm sure the two people who actually read this blog are extremely exhausted of reading it....imagine how exhausted I am of living it!

I woke up crying today and stayed in bed for about 2 hours after waking up just staring at suns reflection off the water onto the wall dance around. I want to say I feel numb but if I was numb I wouldn't have this pain and I probably wouldn't be able to cry so much. I think I am numb toward the rest of life maybe because all my emotions are focused on this event.

I normally freak out on unexpected bills and panic to make the funds and since she died I just don't fucking care. I don't care about money or how much I don't have. I have three GIANT bills sitting next to my laptop and I don't care I don't even have the motivation to go upstairs and find my check book.

I read something in my book this morning that says to steer clear of company that doesn't make you feel at peace or better. "you are too bruised to be around bruising company" to be exact. What if the person that pissed you off the most and says things that make you feel worse is family? So you can't not talk to them because they are hurting right now too? Like sacrificing yourself for the good of someone who enjoys the look of pain?

I know how my mom felt, I know how she was anxious all the time and wanted to hide out. Not having the confidence in your own emotional stability to be able to be out in the world for any length of time without breaks for fear of losing your footing. I am so there right now and it makes me sad to think she was there most of the time. I always tried to be more confident then I normally am when I was around her to try to give her a feeling that she was going to be fine and I would take care of everything. She was the only person who I could be that person for. I would like to be that person for myself but I guess that is another hill for another day.

I am always uncomfortable...

I am not myself and I can't shake this feeling or even motivate myself there fore I am entirely uncomfortable. I had my dad over for Thanksgiving and it went pretty smooth......he always picks on me and pokes fun at me and my mom was the one who always told him not to so Thanksgiving was tough knowing my mom should be there and sticking up for me. Never the less I am glad its over but I am also glad Eric & my dad had a nice time and watched football together. All the food was good as well. Of course the minute he left I broke down crying my head off, not because of him but just because this sucks without my mom. I didn't want to break down in front of him and set him off as well.

Wedding date is getting closer.....I still have done nothing. It seems like every time I try I just get instant shut down by my own emotions. I want it to be over with but I also don't want to do it at all anymore. I miss my mom so much, I still cry everyday multiple times a day. Everything reminds me of her and I now think of things in contexts of  it either happened "when my mom was still alive" or "my mom didn't get to see that" and if I see a date in Sept 2012 I think "oh that was 15 days before she died,..I wish I could have know then that I only had 2 weeks with her" or something stupid it seems like my mind is tormenting itself.

I am trying to be OK and it doesn't seem to be working so great. It is the worst feeling knowing this is never going to go away. Things are not going to go back to normal, she is not coming back.