Streams of sunlight between clouds

I have recently....OK longer then recently been faced with numerous storms. Storms that ride hard and test the structural integrity of your soul. I have always been my own captain , my own map and when things went bad I had to figure them out on my own. Of course I would always ask my moms advice but now I have to find it in my heart what I think her answer or advice would be.

I am so lucky to have an umbrella , bomb shelter, bullet proof vest.....husband. I was recently faced with a storm and I think Eric was more scared of facing then I was but it came after only me. My mom must have been with me when it hit because I stayed perfectly calm......My heart kept perfect beat, my breath was even, My face didn't get hot and red, I just simply walked away from it. Eric on the other hand faced it for me. He stood up to the storm and let it know that he wouldn't let it hurt me.

It is so interesting how the things hell bent on breaking two people apart are the exact things that build a stronger relationship. I am so lucky to have such an amazing person in my life, I have never had someone stand up for me like that before. Aside from my mom. I feel so happy and proud.

Less is more

So I haven't been posting as often as I was. I am trying to figure out what the healthiest things are for me from people, decisions, everything! I haven't had contact with my sister or my dad in a long time and I am actually feeling stronger and happier. My dad e-mailed me yesterday and invited me to "their" Thanksgiving and said "lets move forward , no past" my response was "you know me I know to resolve problems not pretend they didn't happen" which I get a response of "whats the problem" back. As much as I wanted to flip the fuck out on him , I didn't respond. If he chooses to live with no past then he is pretending that his choices were all correct and he has nothing to learn from experiences. You have to look at every experience as a learning experience. He has always played dumb and denied things have happened and yet has no regard for the scars he has left on other peoples lives. To which I will not entertain his delusion, it wasn't healthy before and it's not healthy now.

I am not afraid to speak up and tell people how I feel or tell them if they are hurting me or someone I love. People react either understanding or deny deny deny and get defensive because hearing that they did or are doing something wrong isn't comfortable for them, its all pride & ego. If you set that aside and put yourself in the persons shoes and think "OK, I understand how you would / could feel that way" you choose to make life a learning process. My mom always told me how strong she thought I was because I would speak up for myself. She said she wished she had that strength, it would make her life a lot easier. I don't speak up to hurt people I speak up to get the pain in my stomach out.

New Things!

I have been trying to be more involved in new things one of which is Influenster.com  click my badge below to find new ways to try new products for free and earn badges for even more free stuff!

Cried for a year

SO the day came and it sucked as bad as I thought it would. I woke up early trying to start a positive spin on it all, got a quick work out in and Eric & I headed to a coastal clean up event , one of my moms favorite places was the beach so we did it for her. Lots of trash and then Eric got called into work.....promised it would only take 3 hours......6 hours later.......I was pissed! I spent the first 3 hours trying to stay busy by laundry and cooking and cleaning. The last three hours laying in bed crying and on and off napping. Eric came home took me to dinner and tried to call me down.

I miss my mom, talked to her a lot and I feel bad she sees me crying so much. I feel like if I had gone to see her the day before I could have saved her. I also of course thought about my shitty family and how upset I am with them. And the realization that they really don't care that they hurt me because they don't even try to say shit to me.

I am not sure when this pain will get better but I am trying to make a positive out of her memory.

It's coming

The year anniversary since my world fell apart. I keep thinking it will all end and be OK that day but I know it wont. I asked Eric when he thought I would stop crying everyday and he said "never" and I asked why he said that and he responded "you are your mom were so close and I know how much she means to you, I don't think she will be out of your mind for a minute of the rest of your life" It makes me sad to think I will be sad forever. But I also know I am not as emotional as I was which is nice to be able to pseudo function and not worry about bursting into tears on the floor out of no where.

I know like every month that day comes....I relive it in my head and heart. The scenes come flooding back and I feel like I can't breathe. I can't believe it's been almost a year.....when the pain is still so fresh. I still get caught off guard remembering the funeral is over.

I have never been someone to hold onto

I miss her everyday. I cry everyday. I get so upset thinking how shitty people close to her were to her. Certain chords in songs makes me burst into tears. Yesterday I was making scrambled eggs for breakfast and it flashed to me how she would always say "That smells so good" and I will make extra for her even though she would always say she didn't want any she would eat it. I miss her all the time.

People have told me I push them away, I am easy to cut people off. But I could never turn my back on my mom. Even when she was making me so mad I still would never let go of her. I wonder if my sister would have done the same even half the time if it would have made a difference. I think it would have. She deserved so much better.

Her Birthday

She would have been 61 years young on August 18th. We woke up to Eric doing is normal Sunday donut run. I posted on my social media sites about the project Eric & I did for her Birthday. Through dosomething.org we hand made 61 Birthday cards for Youth living in homeless shelters and donated them in my moms name. All of the cards have KSBF on the back. Eric brought back her favorite donuts and we sang Happy Birthday to her. I was determined to celebrate her and make her have a good birthday, we ran some errands and came back home to make some dinner. Of course walking in the door and actually sitting still for a minute I broke down...remembering her last birthday and how happy she was and going from store to store looking for Happy Birthday candles for her cake. After dinner we went to ESPN zone at Downtown Disney where they have the most decadent Carrot Cake which is my moms most favorite cake. We asked them to put a lit candle in it for us and we blew it out together for her.

I hope she had the best birthday, and had fun watching us celebrate her. I miss her so so much and I got a lot of very nice feedback on our project. My dad "liked" my post only after my sisters, husbands mom commented on how nice it was. He is so fake and lame, even if I do it alone I will show my mom how loved she is and will live on forever through the good done in her name. She deserves only the best because she is the best. Happy Birthday Mommy! I love you so much! It's all for you!