Obsessed with punishment

Everyday I think of how I could have done things differently to make my mom happier or possibly live longer, I get mad at myself for not being better. I look in the mirror and think of how ugly I think I am and how my teeth aren't straight and my skin is so fair, the way my skin folds when I smile. I look at myself and think "you're gross" and "I need to get my teeth fixed, my skin fixed, my face fixed, my hair fixed" I am so hard on myself and I think people around me have to suffer being around me.

Eric says I am the most beautiful woman he has ever seen and I think "yea right...are you blind?" when people compliment me I automatically think "oh they are just being nice". I feel so beaten down on so many levels that I might as well kick myself while I am down I guess. If I am not obsessed with one flaw it is another and I go back and forth on them, there is never a time of peace. I am always looking at myself as yuck and I need to be fixed.

Why am I so obsessed with what I think is wrong with me? If I changed every little thing would the obsession stop? Or would I keep finding thing after thing that is a tiny flaw in my eyes. Until what? Finding inner happiness....that is harder to do then anything.

People don't change?

Meeting up with someone who you haven't seen in a long time and you are excited to catch up and see how they have grown to hear and see their old selfish materialistic self still prevails. Very depressing, and you have to think, is it time to move on from this person?

You try to be honest and vulnerable to show them its OK and they mock you and make comments that degrade what you are or have been through, as though you have shown weakness.

Having a quite night re-evaluating the people I have allowed and maybe the ones that you grow away from it is best not to re-connect, like a break up with a partner. It happened for a reason, not to make the same mistake twice.

We had lunch together

I woke up this morning remembering a dream I had of my mom and I meeting up for lunch together at what seemed like a cement area with water and lots of places to sit on benches and tables. She brought Mexican food for us and told me that she bought more if I was still hungry after she just hadn't pick it up yet. I know we talked but I can't for the life of me remember what we talked about. I do remember she looks so beautiful, happy and healthy. Which made me really happy to see her like that.

Made me remember how at my first job she would bring me peanut butter & jelly fold over sandwich and a cup of fruit everyday. We would eat lunch together, I miss her so much. I have been breaking down a lot lately. I know she is listening to me and I know she sees me, I would trade everything to see her too.

Forcing Healthy?

People think "Oh my gosh we have to move on now, hurry hurry!" I am at the point where I am working toward happy and less in the deep in, so to speak. But I can tell when I am pushing myself too hard. On days when I do more and push more the next day the tears are 10x worse. It all has to be in moderation. I am looking into traveling and planning trips, which feels wrong and scary but I know that is how my mom always felt. She was always so scared to spend money mostly because she knew my dad had put them in huge financial debt and would buy things on a whim and she would have to "save him" so she was always on edge of his next move and never got to find or even dream of what would make her happy. I know I need a fresh perspective, a new environment even if it is temporary.

I am realizing in a healthy way what is healthy and who is healthy in my life. When things upset me or make me tense or anxious I can identify it and try to work through it or see that I need to rid myself of that thing or person. They say if people want to be in your life they will make the effort to be there, you wont have to wonder. I am trying to be more patient with people and know when not to put in my own effort.

I am doing more nice things for people "random acts of kindness" because I want to and it makes me feel good. I buy my neighbors little gifts (books, cards, candy). I send friends who have kids little care packages of toys and activity books. Still donating 10 trees for every month that goes buy in my moms name. My mom was always afraid to focus on herself and had a lot of guilt. She was afraid to give to people for free to when she would need something. But when I helped her give she was so proud of herself and so happy. I hope she can see everything I am giving back is in her name and for her, she is amazing and I hope she knows she will make the world a better place, even from heaven.

People can say I should be less sad or moved on or anything they want. But I am doing what is right for me and I am not forcing anything. Baby steps to find what works.

Waking up crying

Waking up crying not like just a tear or two but like immense amounts of pain crying. I saw my mom in my dream and she was laying on her bed at the house and I was sitting on the bed cross legs playing with her hair. She looked at me and say "I won't be here long" I responded with "Be here long?" and she said "I wont be here long without you" I told her that Eric says she will always be with me and she said "I will" and I started to tear up and I said "Like right next to me?" and she said "I will" and then of course I started sobbing and woke myself up and was so upset I feel like when I start crying when she talks to me in my dreams I scare her away from wanting to do it again and I had so many more things I wanted to ask her and I fucking ruined it by crying and waking myself up.......

Week of Nerves

So Sunday night I went to an Al-anon meeting, I have read numerous books about being an adult child of an alcoholic family but I know going to a meeting was going to be the next step in calming my tornado inside. It was beyond nerve wracking and I cried just listening to other people share. I shared a bit about what I am going through and it felt kind of good.

I learned out of the blue that my dad sold the house and told me I needed to come clear out things and I know I have everything I wanted from my mom and my own stuff and I had multiple panic attacks thinking about going there, seeing the house destroyed, seeing my dads GF and my sister (who is prego and being an emotional psycho bitch) and Eric came home and saw me on the floor hyperventilating and put his foot down and said "you aren't going, you don't owe them anything, your dad just wants you to help him clear out his mess" It was hard to not go but I didn't, I wrote them an e-mail saying I couldn't make it and my dad wrote back saying "I wish you had more to say" and I wrote a long emotional but nice e-mail back and got new response.....NICE! I have to separate myself from the things and people that aren't helping me stay healthy. I can't do it.

I decided I need a change, I booked an appointment at a salon in Seal beach that had good Yelp reviews and got my hair chopped off, I wanted it even shorter but Eric said to give to two weeks and see if I like it and later I can get it cut shorter if I want. I also drove to Murrieta to see my friend Vanessa and had some awesome laughs and it was scary and stressful to drive all that way but I am glad I did.

I have been able to wake up happy 3 days this week. that's a record! I feel stronger like I can push through my nerves and improve. Its exhausting, I literally pass out from the tension and nerves once the hurdle is over but it is what I have to do I guess. Keep pushing...

Empty

It's interesting how the people that don't know what I am feeling have the nerve to say that because I am sad that there is something wrong with me or I need help. Sadness when faced with loss is natural. let me repeat that SADNESS WHEN FACED WITH LOSS IS NATURAL. Do you think it helps to add to someones pain by saying there is something wrong with them? Is there a published scientific guideline of how long sadness is supposed to last? and then if it goes a minute over the socially accepted allotted amount of time they are fucked up and everyone needs to run the opposite direction.

I have seen parts of people who I thought were good during all of this that are so disgusting it is embarrassing to me that I ever considered them even an ounce of good. This is what is wrong with the world, people don't go out there way to help each other, or show love & support, they say it, don't mean it and are more so clearly the selfish asshole they always were.

I am doing what is best for me and taking space and I need to learn to do that without feeling bullied into being what people think I should be or feeling guilt for focusing on myself. I feel like there is an empty hole in my heart that is a vortex and it's sucking every piece of life I have into it. I am the only one who can stop it.